I’ve always thought one of the most irritating things about supermarket tabloids is the way they refer to the celebrities that are their chief focus by their first names only. Like I’m supposed to know who these people are on the basis of that, even though a) they often have pretty generic names such as "Jennifer;" and b) I frequently wouldn’t know who they were even if I had their last names. The pictures are generally little help.
But it’s just as well that they don’t list surnames, seeing as how they’ve now gone to picking on me. I mean, this is embarrassing enough without blackening my whole family’s name. Just last night, I saw two of these slurs. First there was a rag called Inside TV that featured a huge mug of a wronged woman (named Jennifer, as it happens) with one of those brave, smiling-through-the-tears expressions on her rather sweet face, accompanied by the screaming headline, "Getting over Brad." Yet I assure you, I have never met the young lady.
On the same rack was Us Weekly. Its cover boasted a vampy shot of a dark-haired stunner with bee-stung lips, shown looking back over her shoulder in a way that said, "You WILL follow me." The headline: "How she stole Brad."
I’ve never met her, either. I mean it. I’m a happily married man, and if these journalistic vermin don’t cut it out, they’ll be sorry. My eldest daughter is a trial lawyer.
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