Folks, I have to do Health and Happiness again at Rotary on Monday. And of course, I have again left it until the last minute to think about what I am going to say.
So give me some good, clean, tasteful, topical jokes to use.
And this time, I promise to put them in a good place, and remember where that good place is — something I have failed to do. I know I’ve saved some good ones y’all gave me in the past, but I can’t find them.
Oh, wait — I have this one from Doug:
In what Nikki Haley is calling the hallmark achievement of her administration so far, she announced that SLED had successfully deported Pedro from South of The Border yesterday. In accordance with her new “friendlier government” initiative, Haley instructed SLED agents to bid Pedro a fond “Vaya con Dios, amigo!”
I plan to change the ending to say, “Es una dia magnifica en Carolina del Sur!”
But that’s as far as I’ve gotten.
Help!
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It’s unclear why Nikki Haley is receiving such a negative reaction to her recent Savannah harbor decision. It is completely consistent with her long held “any port in a storm” philosophy.
The USC/Clemson football game is upon us again. Gamecock fans can take comfort in knowing that a Penn State situation would never be tolerated here… unless the coach could GUARANTEE a shutout against the Tigers.
Well, those uncivilized slackers have finally been cleared out from the State House grounds. The legislature has gone home for Thanksgiving break.
In keeping with the Governor’s desires to provide a more business like attitude in government, she has implemented a “12 violations or less” express line at the state ethics commission.
The South Carolina Republican primary is only a few months away. Governor Haley and Herman Cain issued a joint statement this week denying any inappropriate behavior that hasn’t happened yet when they do meet later. Rick Perry announced that he would be campaigning in the three key cities in the state: Greenville, Charleston, and… and… the other one.
Too easy. Talk about the GOP race in general and say you have three points. Then just not remember the third point. You won’t even have to say “Rick Perry”.
Or you could just say “Barak Obama”, that’s usually good for a snicker or two.
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint and says, “Can you make me one with everything?”
To honor the Occupy movement, the rotary club will be doing away with the actual microphone, and will be using the “people’s microphone”. So everyone join in…
Interesting:
Rotary International is a secular organization of service clubs located worldwide to bring together business and professional leaders for humanitarian service, encouragement of high ethical standards and building goodwill and peace in the world. It open to all persons regardless of race, color, creed, gender, or political preference.
No one doubts political humor is appreciated worldwide, especially in capital districts like Columbia. If the obvious obsession with Nikki is to be a cornerstone of your jokes, I would suggest you ask FITS for the latest material like “Third Haley Affair Alleged”.
Cut ‘n’ paste:
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
* I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
*A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
* I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts. “Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa.” Her response…click.
* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
* I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”
* Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
* A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
* I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”
* “A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
* A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double- checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
* A woman called to make reservations “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and I can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”
LOL at Doug’s “uncivilized slackers” joke.
Actually, Juan, Will got up to four affairs alleged last year sometime. But you won’t hear me talking about those at Rotary. It’s polite company.
And it’s interesting that you see something amiss in the governor being a significant topic in topical humor in a capital city. What do you THINK the jokes would be about?
Basically, with a group like ours, you go with the obvious — talking about people and events that everybody is familiar with. You don’t want to get too obscure or insiderish. For that reason the Rick Perry “oops” moment fits well, so I’ll do something with that, as several have suggested.
I actually agree with Juan, if you can believe it! I am not thrilled with the political bent of several of our speakers so far this year, and believe that politics and religion are at least two topics that are unlikely to pass the Four Way Test….
Brad,
Are you simply reading too fast, or did you actually try putting words in my mouth? A careful reading of my words indicates I offered a constructive suggestion based upon your preference. Glad your preference is NOT to follow Doug [Ross’s?] lame Haley joke, which for whatever reason, includes this offensive, ethnic stereotype:
“SLED had successfully deported Pedro from South of The Border yesterday.!”
What I actually stated on the other hand was that, “No one doubts political humor is appreciated worldwide, especially in capital districts like Columbia. If the obvious obsession with Nikki is to be a cornerstone of your jokes, I would suggest you ask FITS” -Juan
“And it’s interesting that you see something amiss in the governor being a significant topic in topical humor in a capital city.” – Brad
Never had a problem with a Haley joke. Might have a problem with only Haley jokes by someone claiming frequently to be nonpartisan.
I’m sorry if I misunderstood you, Juan.
But now I’m misunderstanding you again. What does my attitude toward Nikki have to do with nonpartisanship? I’m not following you…
Brad,
At issue is a briar patch in which our personal value preferences are determined by comparing our individual expectations with a politician’s actual performance rather than an illusive party platform.
The nonpartisan thing should not have been directed toward yourself, since as far as I am aware, you have not claimed to be nonpartisan. You have alluded to ‘unparty’, several times, however, and I too apologize for confusing the former with the latter.
You got that right. I’ll cite the official UnParty motto, “It’s my party and I’ll vie if I want to.”
Actually, it’s one of my parties. I’m also founder of the Energy Party and the Grownup Party.
I should add that the mottos of the latter two are, respectively, “Join My Party, and Your Wildest Dreams Will Come True,” and “Act Your Age.”
Admittedly, the Energy Party motto doesn’t tell you much about it, and is directly ripped off from “Napoleon Dynamite.”
@juan
I’ll make sure to only write knock-knock jokes in the future so your sensibilities are not offended.
Guess you’ve never watched Johnny Carson, David Letterman, Jay Leno, etc. in your life. You should give late night monologues a try. Might bring a little sunshine into your life.
@juan
And at least I put my name with my words. You must believe you are too important to risk being held accountable for yours.
It’s kind of hard to give equal time knocking politicians who are not conservative Republicans around here–there are so few. As far as the national stage goes, since President Obama is the presumptive nominee of the Democratic Party, the Republicans seeking their party’s nomination have the limelight now and thus provide considerably more fodder.
Getting offended by Pedro is kind of like if I, all German American, were offended by Col. Klink and Sgt. Schultz.
you too can be a front runner in the SC GOP Presidential Primary.
The following are actual incidents that happened to a friend. We talked about them over a beer on Friday afternoon the week both happened.
An electrician friend was asked by a client to replace a light fixture in the garage. He took the old light fixture down and was in the process of taking the new one out of the box so he could inspect and install it. He noticed the client was standing next to the switch with the old fixture in their hand, flipping the switch on and off. The client walked over to where he was working and started to bless him out. The client wanted to know why the old fixture wasn’t working now but was working before he took it down. He tried to explain but to no avail.
The client asked him to leave immediately and expected him to pay for damaging the old fixture.
A day later, he went to another home and the owner wanted to have a fixture moved from one location in the bathroom to another, a couple of feet away. They agreed on the exact location an he took his hammer and screw driver and started to punch a new hole for the new location. The owner stopped him immediately and asked him what he was doing. He informed the owner that he had to provide a new opening for the light fixture. The owner told him that he was to move everything but not make a new hole. He asked the client how he was supposed to move the fixture without punching a new hole? The client told him he didn’t know what he was doing and if he couldn’t do exactly what they wanted, they would find another electrician who would. He packed his tools, walked out without say another word.
After the week he had, he decided to take a long vacation and stop working for individual home owners.
My contribution was meant to point out the intelligence of some of our voters when it comes to actually thinking about the issues and implications of their decisions.
I posted something several days ago, but when I hit the [submit] button, it disappeared. I didn’t bother to write it again, as most of it was pretty bad, and wasn’t sure you could use them. Besides, I figured Burl gave you plenty.
In the meantime, Larry sent me some turkey jokes. Most of these are even worse than what I had, but you might want to file one or two away for next Thanksgiving. Then again, maybe not:
Turkey Riddles
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his
gravy!
Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
‘Cause they wear their belts on their hats!
What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!
What is the turkey’s favorite black-tie celebration?
The Butter Ball.
What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and
Broomhilda?
A turkey sand-witch.
What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock.
Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed.
What key has legs and can’t open doors?
Tur-key.
What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.
How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I’ll tell you at Christmas.
@ Herb- I think your jokes might have done much better. I think Brad’s political choices went unappreciated because, shamefully, so few people there got them.