This is my rifle, this is my gun… The Laurens County GOP purity test

The thing that got me about the Laurens County GOP “Purity” pledge wasn’t the general idea about having politicians behave themselves on the sexual front. I’m for that. Mainly because I get sick of hearing about their failures in that department, when there are a lot of other things we should be talking about.

If you can find a candidate who never did anything wrong on that front and never will, I’m all for it. And I’m particularly sympathetic to the Laurens County folks, because they’ve endured such aggravation on that front:

The 28-point pledge passed last week appeared to be at least in part a response to an extramarital affair had by the county sheriff, who was also accused in a lawsuit of driving his mistress to get an abortion in a county-owned vehicle, leading to an inter-party squabble when the local group’s leader called for the sheriff to resign.

So I’ve got no beef with that. Nor am I bothered by the impracticality of, for instance, living in the United States in 2012 and not being exposed to pornography. You couldn’t, for instance, be on Twitter. The Twitter folks do an awesome job, I think, of keeping it clean. I’m surprised by how quickly new followers who are really just come-ons for porn sites disappear.

But still, there are those brief moments, before they get booted off as spam, when you innocently go, “Let’s see who’s following me now,” as I did this morning, and you make the mistake of clicking on the avatar, as I did this morning, and bang, you’re looking at a wet, naked girl in a bathtub. And I mean “girl,” as in so young you feel like the dirtiest man in the world for having glimpsed her even for a second. You see something like that, and the first thought in your head, if you’re a normal, red-blooded American male, is, “Now I can never run for office in Laurens County!” (By the way, lest any of you perves go to my Twitter feed and click on my followers trying to find the picture — I’ve already reported that account for spam, and it’s gone.)

But that’s not my biggest problem with the pledge, either. My biggest problem is that the “purity pledge” is… adulterated… with unrelated material:

The pledge is full of traditional Republican talking points in a conservative state – balancing budgets, opposing gun control laws and abortion, supporting school choice and a statement that marriage is “fundamental to the stability, betterment and perpetuation of our society.”

Nothing against balanced budgets, but what does that have to do with porn? And opposing gun control? Really? So you’re saying, you can’t touch a woman until you’re married to her, and you’re not to touch, um, porn ever, but you’re encouraged to sit there caressing and oiling up your Smith and Wesson?

Nothing against guns, either, but really — what does that have to do with purity?

19 thoughts on “This is my rifle, this is my gun… The Laurens County GOP purity test

  1. Brad

    I should have linked you to the Corey Hutchins version of the story, which has direct quotes from the pledge, which are essential to getting just how kinky this thing is. (You can always rely on ol’ Corey to suss out that sort of thing.) The part about guns reads, “You must uphold the right to have guns, all kinds of guns.” Yup, all guns! Big ones, small ones, from flintlocks to those automatic ones that fire so promiscuously, yeah, baby, that’s what I like!

    And that’s not the only fetish invoked. There’s the ideological kind as well, the really perverse stuff that turns Tip O’Neill’s dictum about all politics being local completely on its head:

    “You must endorse the idea of a balanced state and federal budget, whatever it takes, even if your primary responsibility is to be sure the county budget is balanced.”

    I’ve grown used to Republicans running these nationalized campaigns that have nothing to do with the office they’re running for — such as Nikki Haley’s campaign in 2010 that was all Obama, all the time — but that’s the first time I’ve seen it spelled out in black and white that you WILL go on about stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the job you’re running for.

    And how about that “whatever it takes” part? I picture the True Believers reaching for their well-oiled guns and muttering, “whatever it takes, whatever it takes…”

  2. Brad

    And there’s more to come. The last line in their story: “Expanded coverage in March 7 issue of The Clinton Chronicle.”

  3. JoanneH

    I read about it first in the Washington Post. You can imagine the take from the readers of that online newspaper…from all over the country.

    Sigh. Guess Leno will have it tonight.

  4. Brad

    Yes, we’ll be the butt of jokes (huh-huh, Beavis — he said “butt!”) over this, but I was actually serious in what I said. As lame, as poorly worded and poorly thought-out as this is, to the point of being embarrassing, I actually do sympathize with the motive for the sex bits. It’s normal, and even laudable, for people to be sick of that stuff in our politics, and yearn, however uselessly, for an end to it…

  5. Brad

    What’s pitiful is that these folks think they can do something about it, and that the proper instrument for effecting that miracle is the Laurens County Republican Party. That’s being a True Believer, for sure…

  6. Mark Stewart

    I like how the County GOP resolution stated that the Party has been granted the right of free speech.

    That’s so important it’s reserved for the Executive Committee members – and is not to be wielded by common candidates. ‘Cause, you know, only anonimous subcommittees can be trusted to select the true believers to represent our Republic.

  7. `Kathryn Fenner

    Nice, Mark!

    For the record, people, free speech rights relate to governmental action. “Congress shall make no law” is true, but any nongovernmental person or persons is perfectly free to tell you to STFU! (Oooh, a naughty acronym. Guess I can’t run for GOP candidate in Laurens County!)

  8. Karen McLeod

    I’m sure that there are folks who will sign the thing. I’m also sure that it will not change their sexual practices (or mal-practices) one bit. The rest is absurd.

  9. Rose

    Silence: EXCELLENT Firefly reference!

    Brad: YOU quoted Beavis!?!?! I’m shocked, SHOCKED I tell you!

  10. Steve Gordy

    Nothing that anyone writes about this can be funnier than just reading the pledge.

  11. tired old man

    So they are for free speech — and demonstrated it by going into executive session at an insignificant meeting of a political faction quarreling over the carcus of a small county in a state that had just awarded its primary vote to a serial adulter.

    There are three major conservative factions within the Republican Party — those focused on foreign policy and international affairs (ignored, save for a nuke-Iran moment in one of the three dozen plus debates), the economic conservatives (it’s truly about jobs people), and lastly the social conservatives who want major government intervention in your bedroom. There was once a liberal branch of the Republican Party, but it died in the arms of Nelson Rockefeller’s mistress (along with Nelson).

    The abject ludicrous nature of the Laurens manifesto is that it is a political reaction to the real or imagined wrongs of one individual. In short, our good ol’ boys and girls in Clinton are hell-bent towards a macro government solution to a micro problem.

    Is there any impulse in this state that rises above the idiotic? Are all these Rupublicans the progeny of the Lizard Man?

  12. tired old man

    Plus, going to the Clinton Chronicle original reporting, you find the delicious irony of a display ad alternating between two candidates for sheriff. (Be sure to read the March 7 upfolo as soon as it is posted.

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