Doug and all the rest of you who doubt the wisdom of spending on research at our public universities must forever hold your peace now that some really awesome research has been attributed to our own USC by a respected, I mean, much-read national journal — namely, The Onion:

COLUMBIA, SC—Archaeologists excavating the train tracks out by the quarry announced Tuesday that they have discovered evidence of an epic party dating back to the late- February period of the year 2010.

According to University of South Carolina Archaeology chair Winston Eng, the monumental celebration, once thought to be merely the stuff of local legend, appears to have spanned more than six hours and covered a 2,200-square-foot area at its height.”This is an extremely exciting find,” said Eng, who is heading up the careful documentation and cataloging of what is already being referred to as a total freakin’ blowout. “Nothing in the record indicates a party of such breadth and magnitude ever having occurred in this area, before or since.”

“Judging by the vast array of artifacts these people left behind, this was truly a balls-out rager,” Eng added.

Go read the entire piece, and be impressed, or be judged a total dweeb who would never be invited to such a party…