‘I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How’ve you been?’

Just had to smile when I saw a release a few minutes ago from a company that does “pet health insurance.” Smiling not at the company, but at the association it brought to mind.

It made me think of Martin Blank, the professional assassin, rehearsing what he would say to people at his 10th high school reunion: “Hi… I’m a pet psychiatrist. Yeah, yeah. I sell couch insurance…” He goes on to say (if this guy I’m linking to quoted it right; I don’t have the DVD on me at the moment:

“… Mm-hmm. And I — and I test-market positive thinking. I lead a weekend men’s group, we specialize in ritual killings. Yeah, you look great! God, yeah! Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you? Hi, I’m Martin Blank, you remember me? I’m not married, I don’t have any kids, and I’d blow your head off if someone paid me enough.”

Not that I’m being the least bit critical; at least these people have jobs. In fact, speaking of John Cusack, I started quoting him completely unintentionally the other night when I was telling one of my kids in all seriousness the things that I would probably not do in my future pursuit. I said something like, “You don’t want to ask me to sell anything…” and my daughter, having my genes, immediately started laughing and quoting,

“I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.”

Well, I had to laugh, too, because I guess what I said did sound sort of like that. Maybe I should be a little less picky than Lloyd Dobler, though, under the circumstances. What do you think.

4 thoughts on “‘I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How’ve you been?’”

  2. Lee Muller

    I guess Martin Blank is a fictional character from some movie I never heard of.

    If you like spy stories, read the real biography of Peter Mason, model for Jame Bond, in “Official Assassin”.

  3. brad

    Yes, Lee, I like spy stories. Len Deighton. John LeCarre. But I thought Ian Fleming was the model for James Bond…

  4. Kathryn Fenner

    You want to *write* about people who sell things, buy things, process things, etc.

    So that’s so much better?

    Somehow taking John Cusack, the ultimate high school student and then comic hit man, as a role model smacks of repressed anger. Tell us about it.

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