I got a kick out of Alexandra Petri’s column in The Washington Post, which Cindi shared today in The State, headlined “13 Tips on How To Speak While Female.” It was based on advice she’d heard on how women can sound more professional and be taken more seriously. It was pretty hilarious, as a send-up (I assume) of both the givers of those advice and those who take it seriously.
The best bits:
1) Never speak in run-on sentences. Use only sentences that Hemingway would use. Speak curtly. Speak of fish and fighting, and the deep wisdom no woman can know. Speak of hills and strong liquor. Speak of Scott Fitzgerald and his fatal weakness….
Alexandra Petri
6) Do not baby talk, not even to babies. Especially not to babies. Avoid speaking to babies in general, as they do not control the workforce and cannot offer you advancement.
7) Never apologize. Not even once. Not for yourself, and certainly not for America. Never let “Sorry” leave your lips. If you wish to play the boardgame of that name, point at it and growl….
Nice work, Alexandra — for a dame. I like your voice, no matter what the other guys say…
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By the way, she derived this hilarity from actual advice out there for women on how they should speak. To paraphrase Dave Barry, she was not making this up:
The vocal fry is really something. I did not know there was a word for that vocal quirk.
Number 9 was my favorite.
But how could she know what a female Ent would sound like? The Entwives have all gone away, long ago…
I’ve heard those gems, too. I thought the piece was great. But did you read the comments? I remind myself: never read the comments.
Never read the comments. And never get out of the boat…
I just think it’s great to see a young person parodying Hemingway to good effect. Shows our schools today aren’t just teaching rot.
“Speak of Scott Fitzgerald and his fatal weakness….” Yeah, that’s what ZELDA said…
I like the reference to hills as well.
You know, if you type “hills” into Google, the first thing it will suggest (to me, anyway) is “Hills Like White Elephants.”
Which I think is very cool. Actually, kind of eerie, since that was what I was about to type…