Here I am standing at the bar in Yesterday's. So where are y'all?
This is not the usual crowd. Very young, very green, quite drunk, generally speaking. I'll need at least another pint before I can tolerate them. I think I'll have one of those Bud Lights in the special St. Paddy's green aluminum bottles. I don't like light beer, but one must bow to the conventions of the day.
"Born Under a Bad Sign," which I must add to my playlist, was just playing on the rather loud PA. Before that, it was "Up On Cripple Creek," which can't be beat, anyway you cut it. Levon Helm!
Anyway, I'm not going to be here all night, so if y'all want to hoist one with me, you'd best shake a leg. Quick's the word and sharp's the action. Time and tide wait for no man, and so forth.
See, I'm just taking a beer break in the middle of cleaning out my office. I'll be doing it all weekend and much of the week — 22 years of accumulation, or accretion, or whatever (I'm a notorious pack rat) makes a heap o' cleaning up. My task is like that of Hercules in the stables, or, if you're not into classical allusion, that of the noble wee machine, Wall-E.
Some silly bugger knocked his beer over so hard it splashed on my hair — and worse, onto the Blackberry. Drunk as Davy's sow, he must have been.
Somebody passed the word for Duncan, and he came to join me. I broke the news to him about my leaving the paper. He was disappointed to learn it. Duncan's a great guy. While he was here, a young guy who knows my daughter stopped by to say he's a fan. Of course, he doesn't take the paper — he reads my column at his parents' house on Sundays. Which is one of our problems.
I'm going to have a Yuengling before I go back to the office. Then I've got a lot of work to do. See ya.
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A classic Warthen column — weirdly detached but with just the right amount of faux folksiness and insecurity, as evidenced by the usual literary allusion to let us know he reads books and song reference-droppings that beg us to believe he’s somehow still relevant.
Overall, wonderfully pathetic with a fine bouquet.
P.S.
The ordering of the Chinese beer gives the whole effort just the right amount of pretentious nose.
Here’s The State’s writing manual, in brief:
“St. Patrick’s Day” is always “St. Paddy’s.”
“Vegetables” in the Living section are invariably “veggies” — never “vegetables” or “edible plants.” Just “veggies.” ‘Cause it’s always cute.
“People” are never “people.” They’re ALWAYS “folks.” Never, ever say “people.” “Folks.” Got it? The chief misery at the paper was that they couldn’t just get it all over with and just say “volk.”
And that’s all you really needed to know about hack writing around people like Brad for 22 years.
Hope you’ll pardon me for bursting your bubble, but Yuengling is not a Chinese beer. It’s brewed in Pennsylvania, at America’s oldest brewery. So wax all superior and savant over that, Brother Jim.
Chinese beer, indeed. Who let this guy in?
China, Pennysylvania — who the hell could possibly care?
A brand of some kind had to be mentioned in a sad attempt to allay the writer’s deep insecurities about being a nobody and to provide further unintended hilarity.
Here’s another fun fact to know and tell: “Jim,” “Al,” “Jackie,” “Bobby,” “Phil” and “Doug” are all the same person.
Say goodnight to “Jim,” “Al,” “Jackie,” “Bobby,” “Phil” and “Doug,” folks.
Have you made a decision about the blog? Will it continue? I hope that it does but, if it does not I hope that you will consider a hall of fame e.g. most admirable public figure, least competent public figure, least ethical public figure, most irritating poster etc. (even if you do continue it would still be interesting to get your take on this).
The interesting thing about this blog (and perhaps many or most blogs) is the amount of time many people spend spewing venom at the blogger that MOST (not all) would not level face to face. If you don’t care for the person, his views, politics, hair colour, don’t read him. Your vitriol is not going to change him and makes you (or your nom de screed) look a little sad. A person should be extended a little dignity during his last days on a job he has done faithfully for over 20 years. If you don’t agree, at least post with your full name. Disagree with the ideas, ad hominem attacks reveal the soul of the attacker.
Oh, did you know that Yuengling is now the second largest American owned brewery. Can’t say I know what the first is; Coors?
Probably Anheuser-Busch. Although I wonder, does it still count as American?
Looks like I’ll be starting a new blog at a new location, yet to be announced. Hope you’ll come along for the ride, Greg.
ALL RIGHT BRAD!!! Way to go!!!
Goodnight “Jim,” “Al,” “Jackie,” “Bobby,” “Phil” and “Doug” !!!
No A-B is no longer American. It may even be Pabst! About half of the Beer consumed in America is A-B and close to another third is Miller.
I thought Coors had become Canadian.
You could well be right on that.
Finally some interesting Beer talk, varieties and conviviality is just right. This juvenile hate speech disguised at empathetic social justice dialogue is puke city.
Like to host an Ultimate Fight event where you verbal attack mouths have your butts held accountable by physical fight to defend your calumny and anonymous trash talk.
Great TV reality show, and you could leave your losing share to your heirs for green projects for urban nirvana.
I never have been to a St. Patrick’s drunk out in Five Points.
Good to know that Brad admits to having at least three beers before getting in his car and going back to work. I believe that’s legally drunk. Too bad he didn’t get a DUI to top off his week.
What’s good to know is that there’s really only one whackjob. I thought we were infested.
KP, There are probably at least two but they want us to think we’re surrounded.
Do not drink so much
___________________
Christena
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