This is going to be tough with Doug Ross on vacation — in a remote cabin out West, I hear — but I need some topical comic material ASAP.
I have to do Health & Happiness again on Monday at the Columbia Rotary Club. That consists of talking about news about club members — who’s in the hospital, who has a new baby, who was in the newspaper, etc. — and comedy. It has to be lowest-common-denominator, generic, clean, inoffensive comedy, too. Which is tough.
I generally try to go with something topical, because that’s what folks expect from me. Sometimes I’m inspired. Sometimes I’m not. So the floor is open to suggestions.
Y’all did well last time. Come through again.
Related Posts
Ken Ard and his fashion choices (bought a lot of womens clothing w/campaign funds–maybe it was legit?)
All together now (Kathryn could play the piano for this): “I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK…”
Bingo!
And a few more from Larry:
What’s Wrong with Lawyer Jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else seems to
think they’re jokes.
Mysterious Leg Problem
The patient said, “Doc, you must check my leg. Something’s
wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, and you’ll hear
it!” The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh
and heard, “Give me $10! I’m desperate! I need $10!”
“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before! How
long has this been going on?” the doctor asked.
“That’s nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee.” The doctor
put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say, “Please! I
really need $5! Just $5! Please! I’m desperate!”
The doctor was truly dumbfounded. “Sir, I really don’t know
what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.”
“Wait, Doc, that’s not all of it. There’s more. Just put
your ear down on my ankle,” the man urged him. The doctor
did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead,
“Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am
really desperate!”
“I have no idea what to tell you. There’s nothing about it
in any of my books,” the doctor said as he frantically
searched all his medical reference books. “However, I can
make a well-educated guess. Based on life and all my
previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty
that your leg seems to be broke in three places.”
Groaner: The Human Cannonball
After years of being blasted into a net, the human
cannonball went to the circus owner and told him he was
going to retire.
“But you can’t!” shouted the cigar-chomping boss. “Where am
I going to find a man of your caliber?”
As it turned out, the human cannonball who replaced him was
hired and fired the same night.
Andre Bauer’s advice to Ken Ard
I keep trying to post my friend Larry’s paraprosdokians. They don’t seem to be post-able. Maybe they’re not what you’re looking for, but since not much has come up, I thought I’d try again. Here’s a few:
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that
way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his
level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on
the list.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse
always gets the cheese.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool
and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,
“In an emergency, notify:” I always put, “DOCTOR.”
I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but always check when you say the paint is
wet?
Well it worked that time. So I’ll try a few more:
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You definitely need
a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some
darned good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it
back.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home,
even if you wish they were.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be
devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed
touches my foot.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others
have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are
after it as when you are in it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Well, until you complain about my ‘jokes’ I’ll keep posting them:
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He
went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is
mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey answered, “You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellowed, “Who
is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammered, “Oh great lion, you are the
mightiest animal in the jungle!”
On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and
roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with
his trunk and slammed him against a tree half a dozen times,
leaving the lion feeling as if it had been run over by a
safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it
looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly, and
hollered after the elephant, “Just because you don’t know
the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”
After this one, you probably will delete my comments:
$5.37! That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. “Only $4.68” he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now? A toddler?
“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?”
I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
“Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn.
What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”
All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here?” At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.” I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly
apologized.
She offered these kind words: “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this
all the time.”
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
I’m not complaining a bit, Herb. Thanks so much!
I’m desperate, because I haven’t had time to come up with any original material. Today was more hectic than anticipated (hence no posts), and I am totally booked this weekend. I will barely have time Monday morning to pull something together based on what you have so kindly sent me…
Well, in that case, here’s a few more from my friend, Larry (by the way, it’s 5:30 in the morning here in the U.K., I can’t sleep, and I could swear that the doves are cooing the Star Spangled Banner):
Ice Cream
An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The
wife said, “I am going to get a dish of ice cream now.”
Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his
wife. “I’ll write it down so you don’t forget,” she said.
“I won’t forget,” the old gent said.
“But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so I’ll write it
down,” she replied.
“I will get you the ice cream. Don’t you worry,” replied the
gentleman.
A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and
eggs. His wife said, “See, I should have written it down
because you forgot the toast.”
How old are you, Grandpa?
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure…”
“Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised, “mine says I’m 4 to 6
Anger Management
Husband to wife: “Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?”
Wife: “I just go and clean the toilet.”
Husband: “Oh, how does that help?”
Wife: “I use your toothbrush.”