I’m sorry that it’s come to this, but if we can’t come to some agreement in the next few hours, this blog will shut down at midnight.
Of course, it will be up and running again tomorrow, or whenever I feel like it, but the very fact that it will shut down at midnight testifies to our utter failure to come to agreement on key issues. The only consolation we have is that we can blame it on the Democrats. Or the Republicans — either way, I don’t care. Or the Russians. Or Colin Kaepernick. Or that wanker Louis C.K.
Suffice it to say, there is no shortage of scapegoats out there. But there is still no excuse for us not to sit down and try to hammer out an agreement.
It will take compromise, on all our parts. Here are some examples of the kind of concessions that will be required:
- Bryan Caskey: Should concede that gun control is a pretty neat idea, and immediately agree to a total ban on bump stocks. He must further undertake not to mock said bump stock ban as an empty gesture that will accomplish nothing.
- Norm Ivey: Will contribute two cases of his homemade beer to the party that will follow our signing ceremony.
- Doug Ross: Must vote for an amendment acknowledging that luck plays a huge role in amassing wealth in America. The amendment will be in Spanish, so that illegal aliens can understand it.
- bud: Will recognize, once and for all, that Donald Trump is the worst president ever — and not George W. Bush.
- Dave Crockett: Sorry, Dave, but we all think it would be really cool if you would start signing your comments “Davy.” By “we,” I mean those of us who were little kids in the 1950s, and therefore remember a time before Fess Parker was Daniel Boone (which contributed greatly to millions of Americans confusing those two historical figures).
- Barry will start using his full name, because it really, really bugs Doug that he doesn’t.
- Kathryn Fenner will forgive us all and come back to the blog.
- “Scout” will continue to largely agree with me (only putting it in better words), because we all know this world needs a heap more of that.
- Juan Caruso will hire a lawyer to draft all his comments going forward.
As for yours truly, don’t you think I’ve given enough? Very well, I’m willing to listen to y’all’s suggestions as to what I should concede, if y’all can get over your shyness long enough to tell me where I fall short of perfection…