That’s it! We’re going straight to SIX blades…

So if I’m running one of the major political parties in this state (which is what might happen to me if I’m very, very bad in this life), as I read this, I’m thinking, That’s it! We’re having our primary today!

Associated Press
Saturday, August 18, 2007
LANSING, Mich. – Michigan Democrats and Republicans are moving closer to holding a closed presidential primary, the first joint primary in 16 years, on Jan. 15, people familiar with the negotiations said Friday.
     If Michigan goes ahead as planned, its primary would leapfrog over the recently moved South Carolina Republican primary, as well as many others.
    On Friday, top-level Democrats in Michigan discussed whether to have a primary or a caucus, with opinion leaning toward holding the mid-January primary, according to those in on the negotiations who asked not to be identified because the matter is not yet resolved.
    They say a primary would make the state more relevant in choosing the presidential nominee, although backers of presidential candidate John Edwards prefer a caucus.
    A Jan. 15 primary would put Michigan ahead of the South Carolina Republican primary, which last week moved up to Jan. 19, and the Nevada Republican and Democratic caucuses, also scheduled for that date. It also could give New Hampshire more impetus to move up its primary to keep its first-in-the-nation status, and may encourage Iowa to hold its caucuses in 2007….

This reminds me of one of my all-time favorite stories in The Onion, which basically involved putting into writing a thought I had had every time I’d seen an ad for razors in the past 30 years (please pardon the deleted expletives):

F___ Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades
By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
February 18, 2004 | Issue 40•07
James M. Kilts
Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the f___ing vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That’s three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I’m telling you what happened — the bastards went to four blades. Now we’re standing around with our c___s in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we’re the chumps. Well, f___ it. We’re going to five blades….

That’s private enterprise for you (or at least, a reasonable satirical facsimile of private enterprise)! If we had somebody like that guy running the parties in S.C., we wouldn’t be getting pushed around like a bunch of chumps by those other states.

5 thoughts on “That’s it! We’re going straight to SIX blades…

  1. weldon VII

    I invented a nine-blade razor several years back. Unfortunately, tying the blades together with string turned out to be an inefficient design.
    Likewise, Michigan is one of only two states among the first 48 I have not visited. Now I know I’m not going.

  2. Brad Warthen

    If you DO go to Michigan, you’d better not take your nine-bladed contraption with you. They’re not as forgiving of folks who carry such cutlery as we are down home.
    You realize, though, that some Yankee R&D man at Gillette is most likely working on YOUR brilliantly inspired nine-blader right this minute, and you won’t get a penny of the proceeds.
    Get thee to a patent office — Go!
    While you’re there, file my dibs on the six-, seven-, and eight-bladers…

  3. weldon VII

    Really, I think five blades is the razor’s edge. Pretty soon we’ll be paying more for fewer blades because sharp surfaces worsen global warming.
    Or we’ll be seeing ads like, “Streamline your Personna! Just two blades! Forty-six percent more cost efficient per cutting edge! Recommended by the EPA, MIT, CIA, L.L. Bean, L.L. Cool J and LSMFT!”

  4. Karen McLeod

    I’ve got it. WE do not announce when our primaries will be, but sneakily move them up to the same day as the first of the season games for the Gamecocks and Tigers, and simply set up a few voting polls outside of the appropriate stadiums. Those watching on TV could vote via email (announcements during the games). That would make it easy for the voting public. WE’d be first with no chance to upstage us!

  5. Wally Altman

    The whole primary system is totally bonkers. Most people seem to be of the opinion that it’s okay for their state’s primary to be moved forward to a better slot, but if another state does it they’re committing a crime against the primary process.
    The national parties need to step in and set primary dates. States could take turns having their primaries at the early dates. The system certainly can’t be left as it is; this way lies madness

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