Need some really good (clean) jokes, quick!

Uh-oh… one of my fellow Rotarians called needing me to do Health & Happiness Monday, and I’ve got NO MATERIAL!

To give you an idea what Health & Happiness is like (in case you’re not in Rotary), here are a couple I did in the past that were relatively successful:

And here’s one that was not successful at all.

But look — anything CLEAN, that appeals to a broad audience, would be helpful. Political and topical would be a bonus (since they tend to expect that from me). So far, all I’ve got is a short bit about Robert Ford, not fully formed in my mind yet.

So help me out. PLEASE…

10 thoughts on “Need some really good (clean) jokes, quick!

  1. Brad

    Oh, come on, folks! Y’all are DYIN’ up there! Where are the jokes?

    It’s not like I’m a tough audience. In fact, I’m getting less picky by the minute…

  2. SusanG

    This is neither political nor topical, but it is one of my favorite jokes (and if you change it up a bit, maybe it could be one or both).

    A man was sitting on a bus, when he saw a less-than-savory looking man get on at the front. He was dirty, was missing most of his teeth, looked like he didn’t smell too good, and was muttering to himself as he made his way down the aisle. The man sitting down closed his eyes and said to himself, “God, please don’t let that man sit down next to me, please don’t let that man sit down next to me, please don’t let that man….”. He felt a tap on his shoulder, looked up, and the man was standing right in front of him. “God told me to sit next to you”.

    Wouldn’t have shared it, except you seem desparate….

  3. Doug Ross

    Well, it’s Valentines Day today and that’s a special day for most couples. But for Nikki and Michael Haley, it’s even more special. It’s the day they pay their income taxes for the previous year.

    When Mick Zais took over as Secretary of Education, he called Jim Rex to get some information. “How many people work at the Department of Education, Jim?” Rex thought for a moment and replied, “About half of them.”

    Ken Ard would have liked to have been here this morning but he is busy at his office with a bag full of receipts and a “Dummy’s Guide to Photoshop”.

    What’s the difference between Hosni Mubarek and Mark Sanford? One of them ruled over a bunch of wild eyed zealots who want to tear down the government and the other one was President of Egypt.

  4. Brad

    Not bad, Doug! I might use some of those… if you don’t mind my attributing. I like to give credit.

    Thanks for those links, the rest of you. I might use some of those, too.

    I’ve got SOME stuff of my own, but it still needs work…

  5. Doug Ross

    One more:

    Last week it was announced that the Huffington Post website was being purchased by AOL. I figured I would open negotiations for someone to purchase Right now I’m deciding between offers from
    Compuserve and the ETV Test Pattern.

    No attribution necessary.

  6. Herb B

    What did the cow say to the near-sighted farmer?

    You’re pulling my leg.

    Only joke I can keep in my head, and it’s been there for 40 years.

    Oh, there is the one about Osama dying and going to heaven, whereupon he was smacked in the head by a zealous George Washington, “for the way you treated my country.” A few minutes later he got another bash from Patrick Henry for the same thing. He had hardly recovered from that, when a tall guy walked by and laid him cold out on the ground. He had just come back to consciousness in time to hear the guy yelling at him as he was walking away, “I’m Thomas Jefferson, and I don’t appreciate what you did to the country I built up with a lot of hard work!”

    Just then St. Pete walked by, and Osama, still groggy from being beaten to a pulp, yelled for help, all the while complaining about the treatment in what he thought was supposed to be Paradise. “And by the way,” he asked, “where are the 72 virgins I’m supposed to get?” “Huh?” said the first pope,”oh, you got that all wrong–it was 72 Virginians.”

    Well, I’ve got a few in my files, in case you want them. I’ll mail them to you, but it’s likely that, after the two above, you’ll probably blacklist my mail address. But here’s a couple of examples:

    My wife asked me this morning, “Whacha doin’ today?”
    I said, “Nothing.”
    She said, “That’s what you did yesterday.”
    I said, “I wasn’t finished.”

    Johann Strauss was an avid mountain climber who once waltzed
    himself into deep trouble. He lost his footing and found
    himself hanging by his fingertips over a bottomless gorge.
    Another climber heroically came to his rescue and just
    managed to grab Johann by a strap of his liederhosen to save
    the Maestro’s life.
    Since then, the act of trying to get out of a seemingly
    hopeless situation has come to be known as grasping at

    At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the rabbi finished the
    day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
    “Rabbi,” asked little Melvin, “there’s something I need to
    “What’s that, my child?” asked the rabbi.
    “Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel
    crossed the Red Sea, right?”
    “And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”
    “And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”
    “Again you are correct.”
    “And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the
    Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of
    Israel were always doing something important, right?”
    “All that is correct,” agreed the rabbi. “So what’s your
    “What I need to know is this,” demanded Melvin. “What were
    all the grown-ups doing?”


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *