You may have seen this e-mail make the rounds already; I’m pretty sure I have. Samuel passed it to me (and many others, I’m sure) this morning:
DRAFTING GUYS OVER 60
New Direction for the war on terrorists. Send Prior Service Vets over 60!I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down Terrorists. (You can’t be older than 42 to join the military.)
They’ve got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
For starters:
- Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
- Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
- An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
- If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
- Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
- They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me … er .. one."
- Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
- An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
- These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
- Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.
Share this with your senior friends.
It’s purposely in big type so you can read it.
All Samuel had to say about it was "I am ready!" Me too, as I’ve said before.
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Do they take old, fat women? I may not be able to move fast, but I can shoot, fashion explosives, and I can be truly po’d.
If they can’t see to read an email unless it’s in large type, no telling who’ll they’ll shoot. Maybe we should make them security contractors instead. … That takes care of all the other qualification issues, including gender.
Just need an acronym for the firm … something like AOFG Security (Angry Old Farts with Guns) … logo could be McCain trying to smile. Joe Lieberman could be their mascot.