Category Archives: It’s a joke!

Without compromise, this blog will shut down at midnight

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Final blog negotiations will be intense, with innovative methods of persuasion brought into play...

Final blog negotiations will be intense, with innovative methods of persuasion brought into play…

I’m sorry that it’s come to this, but if we can’t come to some agreement in the next few hours, this blog will shut down at midnight.

Of course, it will be up and running again tomorrow, or whenever I feel like it, but the very fact that it will shut down at midnight testifies to our utter failure to come to agreement on key issues. The only consolation we have is that we can blame it on the Democrats. Or the Republicans — either way, I don’t care. Or the Russians. Or Colin Kaepernick. Or that wanker Louis C.K.

Suffice it to say, there is no shortage of scapegoats out there. But there is still no excuse for us not to sit down and try to hammer out an agreement.

It will take compromise, on all our parts. Here are some examples of the kind of concessions that will be required:

  • Bryan Caskey: Should concede that gun control is a pretty neat idea, and immediately agree to a total ban on bump stocks. He must further undertake not to mock said bump stock ban as an empty gesture that will accomplish nothing.
  • Norm Ivey: Will contribute two cases of his homemade beer to the party that will follow our signing ceremony.
  • Doug Ross: Must vote for an amendment acknowledging that luck plays a huge role in amassing wealth in America. The amendment will be in Spanish, so that illegal aliens can understand it.
  • bud: Will recognize, once and for all, that Donald Trump is the worst president ever — and not George W. Bush.
  • Dave Crockett: Sorry, Dave, but we all think it would be really cool if you would start signing your comments “Davy.” By “we,” I mean those of us who were little kids in the 1950s, and therefore remember a time before Fess Parker was Daniel Boone (which contributed greatly to millions of Americans confusing those two historical figures).
  • Barry will start using his full name, because it really, really bugs Doug that he doesn’t.
  • Kathryn Fenner will forgive us all and come back to the blog.
  • “Scout” will continue to largely agree with me (only putting it in better words), because we all know this world needs a heap more of that.
  • Juan Caruso will hire a lawyer to draft all his comments going forward.

As for yours truly, don’t you think I’ve given enough? Very well, I’m willing to listen to y’all’s suggestions as to what I should concede, if y’all can get over your shyness long enough to tell me where I fall short of perfection…

ICYMI: This cracked me up over the weekend

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You’ve probably already seen this gag — other people I showed it to this morning had — but for those who missed it, here’s a funny for you.

And no, it’s not supposed to be serious commentary or anything; it’s just a funny picture that was suggested by Trump’s body language in the photo, combined with Angela Merkel’s expression, which looks like a teacher addressing a wayward pupil. So lighten up, Francis.

I don’t know who did it. It was brought to my attention by this Tweet, from someone who didn’t know who had originated it, either…

 

Paranoid thought of the day: Scalia dies, unions win big

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Yeah, I know. Crazy. But when I see stuff like this:

The impact of the death of the conservative supreme court justice Antonin Scalia on the political sway of the nation was laid bare on Tuesday when the eight surviving justices held each other to a draw over an attempt to gut the power of public sector unions.

Looks healthy to ME...

Looks healthy to ME…

By dividing evenly 4-4, the country’s highest judicial panel averted a major blow to unions representing government workers and teachers. The split leaves in place a lower appeals court ruling that allows unions to continue to collect mandatory dues from workers covered by collective bargaining even though those workers refuse to join the union.

The supreme court issued a one-page ruling that gave no clue as to its thinking other to note that the “judgment is affirmed by an equally divided court”. But there was little doubt that the outcome underlined the seismic shift that has occurred in the US as a result of Scalia’s death last month.

In oral arguments in January, Scalia made it plain that he was minded to vote to overturn the 1977 ruling, Abood v Detroit Board of Education, that allows unions to collect fees from non-members in order to carry out collective bargaining on their behalf. Had he done so, the supreme court would have divided by the 5-4 conservative-to-liberal dynamic that was dominant until Scalia’s death….

… I couldn’t help wondering: We’re sure Scalia died of natural causes, right?

Sure, I’m embarrassed to express such a thought out loud. I mean, these unions represent teachers, and nice government workers like the ones I’m always defending from Doug.

But still: Where’s Jimmy Hoffa?

Gorgeous movie star picked to head DHEC! What? I thought you said Katherine Heigl…

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So of course, when I read this, I immediately pictured the woman from “Knocked Up” — you know, the one who was way too hot, smart and together for Seth Rogen, or for anyone else you can name for that matter:

Catherine Heigel of Greenville, a corporate lawyer who has worked for utilities and state agencies, was chosen Friday as the new director of the state agency that oversees health and environmental protection.

The selection by the board for the state Department of Health and Environmental Control came after closed-door interviews with some of the 99 applicants for the post.

Their selection goes to the State Senate for confirmation….

But apparently, it’s not the same person. So I’m less excited now…

A little ditty to help get you psyched for your next webinar, yo!

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And now, from the genre of comedy that gave you “Dilbert” and “Office Space”…

If you’re all about lead generation (and who isn’t, homey?), you need to check this out, yo.

I found this in my inbox today:

Do you know DJ Dave, the dude who did the Whole Foods Parking Lot song? Well this guy from Workaholics and Dave teamed up on this video that I think your readers are going to go bananas over! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

It’s one half marketing jargon and one half hip hop, one whole very funny video.

Check it out on the YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXRG0bJt7EA&feature=youtu.be

If you like it, it would be really awesome if you posted it or shared it.

As a bonus, I’ll throw in DJ Dave’s previous hit, “Whole Foods Parking Lot:”

Ha, ha! That’s very funny! Right? We’re laughing here, right?

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dinner

Last night, my wife made a big pot of spaghetti sauce. It was very good. And normally, I’d be looking forward to having it a couple more times before the leftovers ran out.

But at mid-morning today, I got this text:

Just found my spaghetti sauce on stove. Was planning on giving it to kids for lunch.

Ohboyohboyohboy. Homina-homina. I was the last one to eat last night, and the last one to bed.

I have excuses, real ones. I had meant to put it up, but the pot was still hot, and I wanted to wait until it was cool enough to put in a plastic container. The light is out over the stove (not just the bulb; something wrong with the switch), so I couldn’t leave it on to remind me when I was turning lights out in kitchen. Etc.

She wrote back that there was nothing in the house (fortunately, she found some chicken nuggets in the freezer for the grandchildren), and that I was cooking tonight, and “I am hungry by 6. 7 at the latest.”

I answered with the equivalent of “aye-aye,” and went back to what I was doing.

Later, I happened to take a second to check Facebook, and found the above update, with a link to the story I made a pun about yesterday.

Good one, huh? Ha-ha!

Heh-heh.

(chuckle)

Yeah…

By the way, Sunday we’ll be celebrating our 40th anniversary.

If I make it to Sunday.

Gotta get that light fixed on the stove…

Weird Al does it again

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Although this may be the last time. At least, his last album. For now:

This week, seemingly inspired by the cornucopia of videos that attended Beyoncé’s latest album, “Market-Savvy” Al has adopted an Internet-conquering strategy of releasing a video a day from his new, 14th studio album, Mandatory Fun. This is probably his last full-length, he’s said, as his record contract is up (the title is partly a joke about contractual obligation) and the format is no longer so suitable to a spoofing style that depends on timeliness…

It could be that Weird Al’s time has passed, because he no longer stands out from the crowd:

He had the especial fortune to coincide with the MTV era—videos were essentially ridiculous already, and ripe for the clowning. Without the visuals, Yankovic’s songs would never have had the same traction. He was working in memes and virality before those terms existed. What’s more surprising is that he had so little competition. (Even This Is Spinal Tap was a cinematic event that didn’t much ruffle the charts.)

But today, as many observers have noted, it’s the opposite. He’s not so much “Weird” Al as “Norm”-Al. As Jody Rosen wrote last year, “We’re all Weird Al Yankovic.” The spike in sophisticated comedy as well as the do-it-yourself recording and video-making boom centered on YouTube have brought if anything a surfeit of musical mockery. And a lot of the newborn Weird Als, face it, are simply better than “Field of One” Al ever was….

I don’t know about that last part. No one has ever touched the soaring goofiness of “Eat it,” which, let’s face it, was way better — far more creative, certainly — than the song it apes:

Today’s Sarah Palin eruption on Twitter

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There are two or three things that you might not know about Sarah Palin, even at this late date:

  1. She still has a lot of fans. Passionate ones.
  2. They don’t have what most of us would call a “sense of humor.”
  3. They really don’t hesitate to leap to conclusions.

It all started when I saw this Tweet:

The title of the show, which I assure you I have never seen, immediately brought to mind Tina Fey’s hilarious sendup of the ex-governor (possibly because I watched several episodes of “30 Rock” on Netflix over the weekend).

So I reTweeted the item with the following addendum:

As in, I can see Russia from my house!

Which I thought might give someone out there a small — very small — laugh.

The first person who responded was very literal-minded, but reasonable:


He was right, of course — it was neither here nor there. It was a joke about a joke. But wishing to be polite I wrote back,


Then, the floodgates opened.


Wow. Anyway, for any of you who’d like to get a kick out of the original skit — the funniest thing Tina Fey has ever done — once again, here it is…

Here’s an idea for Ravenel’s new reality show

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This was pretty funny — at least, the parts that I could make out through that thick, awful, fake “Gone With the Wind” accent.

Yes, I can see how folks up north — in places “like Vermont, and South Carolina” — might laugh at Southerners’ overreaction to a couple of inches of snow.

But this gives me an idea for an episode of Thomas Ravenel’s new reality TV show, “Southern Charm,” which as I gather is about what happens to scions of old Charleston families in a time of general cultural decline and decadence.

There could be an entire episode in which T-Rav is trapped in his vehicle (possibly a white Escalade, as in this skit) because… wait for it… someone (possibly Yankees) have closed down his Daddy’s bridge on account of snow.

It could work… Hey, maybe it even happened…

Remembering teachers for what they did to (I mean, for) you

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Had to reTweet this item from The Onion today:

Unemployed, Miserable Man Still Remembers Teacher Who First Made Him Fall In Love With Writing

AUBURN, CA—Explaining that she introduced him to the literature that made him the man he is today, 41-year-old Casey Sheard, an unemployed and fundamentally miserable person, confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he still fondly remembers the high school teacher who first inspired him to fall in love with writing. “Mrs. Merriman was the one who put a copy of The Sound And The Fury in my hands when I was 16 years old, and it totally changed my life,” said Sheard, who has reportedly been unable to hold down any semblance of well-paid, full-time employment, constantly struggles to stay financially afloat, has thus far failed to make a living off of writing as a career, and has frequently spiraled into long periods of severe depression and unhappiness….

A couple of other word guys liked that. Mike Fitts just added, “Yep.”

How one Brit sees the way we see Canada

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In a piece extolling the supposed political brilliance of “crack-smoking and alleged sexual harasser Toronto mayor Rob Ford,” Hadley Freeman of The Guardian wrote the following explanation of international relations:

Heretofore, Canada was to America what Sweden is to the rest of Europe, but commanding less respect. Just as Sweden is always held up as the bastion of feminism, childcare and good mental health, so Canada is a paradise of ruddy-cheeked health and socialised healthcare, while Americans pay $8,000 daily to get their gunshot wounds treated…

That’s all. I just enjoyed the way she said it.

Less respect, eh? Take off, you hoser…

A bit of Saudi humor: ‘No Woman, No Drive’

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The WashPost brought this to my attention:

Saudi Arabian performer Hisham Fageeh, well known on the Arabic-speaking Web for his funny YouTube videos, which often contain a degree of social commentary, has posted a new video spoofing his country’s practice of forbidding women from attaining driver’s licenses. Fageeh parodies the Bob Marley song “No woman, no cry” with lyrics lampooning Saudi Arabia’s car-related gender restrictions, which Saudi women are challenging this week with a mass protest drive….

You know, if this guy can post stuff like this and live, maybe there’s hope for that part of the world.

Have you heard the one about the Redskins changing their name?

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They’re dropping “Washington,” because it’s embarrassing…

Full disclosure — I didn’t come up with that one. I got it from my son’s father-in-law (and my fellow grandfather) Hunter Herring. He posted the graphic below on Facebook a couple of days back.

I don’t know where he got it. But I thought the #ObamaShutdown tag at the bottom was kind of weird, seeing that the joke seems to be more at the expense of Republicans, since they’re the ones being blamed by most people.

But either way seems overparsing it. It’s really a joke on Washington. We’re pretty much embarrassed by everyone within the Beltway.

Actually, I think the way I tell it works better than the graphic — the “Have you heard…” version. I’ve been trying it on people all day. The great thing is, they get all serious in response to the question, and start saying something like, “Yeah, as I understand it, it’s about…,” and they’re all wondering how I expect them to react… and then I say the punchline, and it relieves the tension. That’s why it works…

washington

Dear Leader and his posse are EVERYWHERE (not)

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I enjoyed this little feature on Slate, making fun of North Korea’s supposedly notoriously bad Photoshop skills.

The doctored image above shows Kim Jong-un and his posse “working with Congress to finally iron out a budget deal and get the U.S. government up and running again.”

The one below shows them “working out an international meth purchase with a U.S.-based manufacturer.”

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The envious Holy City, sick and pale with grief

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This morning, Adam Beam to brings my attention a pair of columns, the first from The State:

By NEIL WHITE — nwhite@thestate.com

Hey, everybody, great news!

In fact, this news is so great that I’ve been asked to write about it instead of reporting on the South Carolina football team’s backup long snappers.

It seems that some outfit called Kiplinger’s has ranked Columbia as the No. 5 city in the United States on a recent Top 10 Great Places to Live list. It’s true, I swear.

Of course, there is one caveat. This list only includes cities with a population under one million in the metropolitan area, which means that Columbia didn’t have to compete with beautiful bigger cities like Detroit….

… and the second from The Post and Courier:

It’s so nice to see Columbia finally get some national recognition and long-overdue accolades.

After years of watching Charleston rack up all those awards — Most Mannerly City, Greatest Tourist Destination in the Universe, Best City in the South (Especially in South Carolina) — a lot of folks in the Lowcountry have been worried that our sister city to the north might develop a case of list envy.

But now Kiplinger’s, the personal finance magazine, has ranked Columbia No. 5 on its 2013 list of “10 Great Places to Live.”

Frankly, folks around here are probably surprised Columbia lost the No. 1 spot to Little Rock…

Of course, what these dueling columns are about is not which city is greater, but which paper employs a bigger smart-ass.

Sorry, Neil, but I’m afraid Brian Hicks wins that one, for this bit:

Instead, we should just lament that Kiplinger’s failed to mention the stirring sound of a rooster crowing, which is broadcast throughout downtown on Fridays during football season.

Now that’s culture…

I’m afraid that just beats out Neil’s classy parenthetical:

(I’m sure if horse poop had been one of the criteria, Charleston would have rocketed up the list.)

But then, the losing party is often capable of putting a sharper edge on its gibes, an edge born of bitterness. Of course, we knew the Holy City could do snobbery. Unfortunately, it has yet to breed a humorist capable of concocting anything that touches this classic:

Q: How many Charlestonians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Six. One to change it, and five to sit about talking about how grand the OLD bulb was…

P. Diddy breaks all barriers on ‘Downtown Abbey’

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In providing a sneak preview of his star turn on “Downton (or as he calls it, ‘Downtown’) Abbey,” Sean “P. Diddy” Combs breaks the color barrier, the time barrier, the genre barrier and of course the comedy barrier.

PBS denies that Combs has joined the cast of the wildly popular period drama, but “Funny or Die” provides video proof to the contrary. Besides, P. Diddy said it was so on Twitter, so whom are you going to believe?

Yes, there’s strong language, but quite mild compared to his performance in “Get Him to the Greek.”

I don’t know where I’ve been, but this is the first time I’ve run across “Funny or Die,” which according to Wikipedia was founded by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s production company, Gary Sanchez Productions.

Good stuff. Since SNL isn’t going to be funny any more with Bill Hader gone, y’all should definitely check it out.

Macfarlane on the Oscars: Funny, offensive, both, or neither?

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macfarlane

Everyone’s buzzing about Seth Macfarlane’s performance hosting the Academy Awards last night. Such words as “sexist” and “racist” have been used.

But what did anyone expect? If anything, his material was significantly toned down from the stuff you can hear, and see depicted in cartoon form, on “The Family Guy” before prime time each evening. To call Macfarlane’s brand of humor sophomoric is to promote it several years past its middle-school level. That is, it’s the kind of humor you’d hear from a middle-schooler who was demonically quick and witty. Admittedly, Macfarlane’s material is the sort that makes people laugh, even if they’re feeling guilty while doing so.

Racism (we are all invited to laugh at Brian, the racist dog), graphic violence involving children, incest, and mockery of religion are pretty much standard fare on “The Family Guy.” (And at this point, I’m feeling pretty embarrassed for knowing all that.) Ditto with “Ted” — it’s funny, but don’t be fooled into letting the kids watch it just because it’s about a Teddy bear.

So explain to us why anyone would be shocked at his “We Saw Your Boobs” bit last night? From him, that’s pretty mild stuff.

At one point, a joke was made about how it would have been better to have engaged the services of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, who co-hosted the Golden Globes. Hey, no joke — they would have made people laugh without cringing.

But seriously, if you engage the services of Seth Macfarlane, this is what you get, at the very least. No sense moaning about it afterward.