Category Archives: It’s a joke!

Try to understand the plight of the 1 percent

A friend shared with me this fun piece in The New Yorker. An excerpt:

Perhaps you are wondering what our cause is. Perhaps you’re wondering why we, the richest people on the planet, have come together. Perhaps you’re curious whether what we’re undertaking couldn’t technically be called a vacation. These are all good questions.

We’re angry. We’re angry at something we’re calling “imagined frustration.” By this we mean that, except for Congress, the White House, banks, major lobbyists, and the editorial boards of Fox News and the Wall Street Journal, no one is listening to us. And we’re tired of it.

You claim to know something about us. You think we are rich beyond comprehension, that we can do anything we please at any time, go anywhere we want at a moment’s notice, wander the earth in a state of constant bliss, enjoying abundant and fabulous sex. Perhaps you do know us.

There are those in the more liberal press who have questioned whether the wealthiest one per cent truly understand how difficult life is for so many Americans right now, and to that we would say— Oh, look, someone just brought in lobster and a Bollinger Grande Année.

Except for money and the almost unnatural flawlessness of my skin, we are no different, you and I. I don’t know who you are or what you look like or how much money you have in the bank. Nor does it matter. Because we’re just men. Unless you are a woman. Or a child. Or a pony. But ponies don’t read magazines, do they? Unless they’re precocious ponies, like Mister Ed. And he wasn’t real. But I think you get my point. And that is: we are the same, except for the coarseness of the skin on your elbows. Do you know that feeling, upon waking at 4 A.M., heart racing, your mind looking twenty, thirty years down the road, wondering how you are going to make ends meet? Worrying about what would happen if you lost your job, asking yourself how you’re going to pay for your kids’ college or retire? Well, I don’t. But I read a story about it once and remember thinking, I’m so glad that’s not me…

See, I identify with these people, because they are living the life to which I would like to become accustomed. That’s what makes me a real American. So don’t be giving them such a hard time…

The REAL media plot regarding Newt Gingrich

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Despite historic animosity toward the press in our state, I was still amazed that the audience in Charleston last night was simple enough to swallow Newt Gingrich’s claim that the ex-wife story was brought up by the media because, being the wicked liberals they are, they’re trying to hurt him because they want President Obama to be re-elected.

That was simple-minded on several levels. But let’s just consider one of them. Note my last post, which demonstrates conclusively that the Democratic Party has been and continues to devote all of its firepower attacking Mitt Romney, not Newt Gingrich. So if the media are in cahoots with the Dems, they must not have gotten the memo.

Here’s a modest proposal (meaning it the way Swift did, not the way Ron Paul does): Perhaps there is a deep, dark media plot regarding Gingrich. But if there is, there is only one credible motivation: The media would love, would absolutely adore, covering a campaign between Newt Gingrich and Barack Obama. Whereas they want to bang their hard little heads against a wall at the thought of months more of covering the astronomically boring Mitt Romney.

So it is that the media are working in cahoots with the Democratic Party and Gingrich himself (who would seem to a casual observer to have stolen the Democrats’ playbook on these issues) in covering the heck out of the “vulture capitalist” angle and Mitt’s invisible tax returns.

Under this supposition, rather than being a plot to deny him the nomination, that ex-wife story was just a case of one of the networks jumping the gun. The prospect of reporting on Newt’s history, not to mention all the wonderfully careless, explosive, politically suicidal things he will say several times a week on the trail, has the media hugging themselves in delightful anticipation.

But some idiot at ABC just couldn’t wait. The media have never been strong on delaying gratification.

And now, for a little communitarian paranoia

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My last post was about the epidemic of paranoia that is libertarianism.

Now, as a treat to the other side, I give you an example of communitarian neurosis. It’s a funny op-ed piece from The Wall Street Journal today by Rick Moranis (of “Great White North,” “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids,” “Ghostbusters” fame):

This morning, while I was grinding my blend of French, Colombian and Italian coffee beans, it occurred to me that I could be doing harm to the coffee shop and diner businesses in my neighborhood by making my own coffee at home. Might I have a responsibility and obligation to consume their product, either within their premises or brought right to my door by one of their speedy, undocumented-alien delivery men?

I also wondered whether still using my old, reliable German-brand coffee grinder, manufactured in China, might be an unpatriotic betrayal of American kitchen-appliance makers by choosing not to buy their Chinese-made grinder.

As I poured some house-brand almond milk into my homemade granola, I thought about the depressed demand and earnings on the higher-priced product manufacturers that I wasn’t patronizing, their resulting order and production declines, and the backlogged inventories and possible layoffs at their factories.

How much of this country’s economy am I personally destroying by my consumption preferences? I honestly never intended to do so much harm…

Yes, Rick, I’ve been there, brother! Now take off, you hoser…

Jon Stewart enjoying SC, as always

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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c

Indecision 2012 – In the South of Madness

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

Note that this time, he’s not even waiting for us to make fools of ourselves. He’s just riffing on our reputation.

I guess this is what you call pre-emptive mockery…

Colbert attempts to intervene in SC primary

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Y’all will probably be confused as much as I am, but I’ll just pass this on without trying to understand it first:

FOR EVENTUAL RELEASE

Stephen Colbert Works with Democrats, Makes them Briefly Patriotic
NEW YORK CITY, SOUTH CAROLINA – Award-eligible pundit and 2012 Kingmaker Stephen Colbert has reached out to the South Carolina Democratic Party to help restore the non-binding referenda to the 2012 South Carolina primary. The South Carolina Supreme Court ruled in November that all referenda be removed from the primary ballot.

“Trust me, this was a measure of last resort,” said Colbert, Colbert Super PAC’s Chairman and Gangwar Consigliere. “I’ve always thought Democrats had only one skill: simultaneously being atheists and holier-than-thou. But apparently they also have legal standing in this case.”

Colbert has asked Chairman of the South Carolina Democratic Party Richard Harpootlian to petition his state’s Supreme Court for a rehearing of their ruling in Buford County v. S.C. Election Commission. He has also asked him if it’s alright to call him “Harpootie.” Harpootlian has agreed to the first request.

At issue is the court’s decision to remove advisory questions from the upcoming Presidential Preference Primary Ballots. Of particular interest to Colbert Super PAC is Question 4. The question, which has already been approved by the South Carolina Commission and included on sample ballots and some military absentee ballots , asks the people of South Carolina to choose between two options: “Corporations are people” and “Only people are people.” (For the sample ballot click here or see below).

“After the citizens of South Carolina declare once and for all that corporations are people, we can move on to other urgent issues facing our great nation,” said Colbert, “In 2016 I hope to include a question on whether Democrats are people.”

Colbert Super PAC, also known as Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, is an independent expenditure-only committee dedicated to following the Letter of the Law, and letting the Spirit of the Law find its own way home. It was founded by Stephen Colbert, who currently holds the rank of World’s Most Famous Living South Carolinian, and who will host the Colbert Super PAC South Carolina Debate to be held in January. It’s going to be a classy affair. Shrimp cocktail, the works.

###

For Press Inquiries Contact:
Alberto Rèalnamè
Communications Director, Colbert Super PAC
[email protected]

Yeah, I get that it’s a joke. But I got confused that Harpootlian was involved. But then, Colbert always works with the Democrats when he comes to SC, possibly because he can’t get SC Republicans to laugh at him. Or with him. I don’t know.

In any case, here is a link to Colbert’s proposed ballot.

SC Dem spoof of bizarre Herman Cain advert

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I’m not going to tell you which is the real Cain thing and which is the spoof… OK, if you see them both, I guess you can tell. But if I just showed you the Cain video alone, and asked you whether it was real or a spoof, you’d have trouble getting it right.

In fact, I’m still having trouble with it. I’m still thinking Herman Cain might be sending us up. Look at that grin.

The WashPost suspected the same thing:

A few questions come to mind….

1. Why is Mark Block, Cain’s campaign manager, smoking a cigarette?

2. Why is Mark Block blowing cigarette smoke into the camera?

3. Why is Mark Block on camera?

4. Who is holding the camera?

5. Why did anyone think this was a good idea?

6. Why is Herman Cain smiling?

7. Are we being punked?

Anyway, enjoy. And don’t y’all be smoking anything, OK? It’s all bad for your lungs.

(The spoof, by the way, is the best-executed video yet from Tyler Jones, who posts on YouTube under the handle, SCForwardProgress. Or at least, I assume he’s the one doing them, since he’s the one who always calls them to my attention.)

Even the rednecks pick on South Carolina now

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This morning, I could not tolerate another second of the pledge drive on ETV Radio (even when I have money to give, and DO give, I can’t abide actually listening to the pledge drive; it’s all those repetitions of the phone number that get to me), and I didn’t like what was on Steve-FM, so I decided to get my first John Boy and Billy fix in a long while.

And that’s when I heard the Tim Wilson song you hear in the video above.

Partial lyrics:

You can go to war when you’re 18
But you can’t buy a beer
You can load missiles on a submarine
But you can’t buy a pistol here
You can breathe chemical weapon fumes
But they don’t want you to smoke
so when you’re shootin’ up a bar in Baghdad, don’t order a rum and coke

OK so far, typical redneck comic lament. But then you get to:

You can be a governor at 21
Or a president at 35
You can be the senator from South Carolina
If you can just stay alive…

This has gone too far. Jon Stewart picking on us is something you’d expect, but when the rednecks start giving us a hard time over our political predilections and idiosyncrasies, maybe we’d better start talking seriously about making some changes.

Did she move and change her name, or what?

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Somehow, on a previous post, we got onto a tangent about persistent Democratic claims that Al Gore actually won the 2000 election, which he didn’t, as media recounts after the court case demonstrated.

Anyway, in trying to find that link above, I went to Wikipedia, and ran across the name of Katherine Harris, and suddenly pictured her in my mind, and thought, Hey, wait a minute…

I’ve been thinking since she emerged on the scene that Michele Bachmann looked familiar, like someone I hadn’t seen since…

And now the mystery is solved. For me, anyway.

What do you think?

Well, at least Rusty liked it

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I saw Rusty DePass yesterday, and he stopped me to tell me that while my Health and Happiness routine at Rotary on Monday didn’t get what I would call big laughs, he thought it was hilarious.

I appreciated that. I don’t know what was wrong Monday. I mean, I got some laughs, but it was very low-key. The biggest laugh I got was after one of the lines I got from Herb Brasher, I said, “Come on! That was funny!” I said it with such vehemence and frustration, that it really cracked them up.

Maybe it was because a lot of people were missing, this being mid-summer, and we just didn’t have critical mass. I don’t know. I looked in that direction once and saw Kathryn Fenner laughing. At least, she looked like she was laughing, but I couldn’t hear it. It was like a mime laugh.

See, now? THAT was funny… Maybe I should have used it.

Anyway, running into Rusty and getting his kind feedback reminded me that I didn’t thank y’all for your input — particularly that of Herb (and his friend Larry) and Doug Ross, who returned from the wilderness just in time to give me the “Famously Hot” idea. (Which actually got one of my better laughs, although it was slightly delayed. Maybe it would have been bigger if I had paused longer after the punch line.)

Here are my prepared remarks:

Been looking through the news for some humor. It’s tough finding anything funny. I see Michele Bachmann is almost leading the GOP polls for president of the United States. Of course, she’s still a distant second to Mitt Romney. You know, he’s the guy whose most notable accomplishment was starting a health care system in Massachusetts that he can’t talk about in front of Republicans…

See? The topical stuff isn’t funny. So I’m going to intersperse it with some words of wisdom that my friend Herb – Kathryn knows Herb — said he got from HIS friend Larry:

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

Back to the topical…

As you know, I work over at ADCO with Lanier Jones. ADCO is the agency that came up with “Famously Hot.” The last few days, one of the readers on my blog – that’s bradwarthen.com – has suggested that we change that slogan. He just wants to change the first word. It would still start with the same letter.

I see that China, which holds all that U.S. debt, is now watching what’s happening in Washington and thinking WE have a really fouled-up political system. The bad news is, they’re right.

By the way, in case I’m not being clear enough, I refer to those children in Washington, a.k.a. our nation’s leaders, playing games with the full faith and credit of the United States of America.

And no, I wasn’t even trying to be funny about that…

More from Larry:

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “In an emergency, notify:” I always put, “DOCTOR.”

Back to the news:

South Carolina Democratic Party Chairman Dick Harpootlian – by the way, try fitting “South Carolina Democratic Party Chairman Dick Harpootlian” into a headline sometime, and you’ll see why the press will miss Ken Ard when he’s gone…

Where was I? Oh, yeah… South Carolina Democratic Party Chairman Dick Harpootlian said something that puzzled me the other day. He was criticizing Nikki Haley for saying, when she signed the voter ID bill, that if anyone had trouble getting a photo ID, she would personally drive them to the DMV. I don’t see any problem with that. I mean, it would be nice, right? It’s not like she’s Andre Bauer.

Oh, and for my Republican friends here today:

Look, I wanted to make some jokes about Democrats in office, but hey, gimme a break: This is South Carolina. I couldn’t find any.

OK, some more from Larry:

I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I ad-libbed a few times. Such as, when I saw Boyd Summers laughing about the no-Democrats-in-office gag (although he, too, may have been doing a mime laugh), I said, “See? Boyd Summers gets it. Ladies and gentlemen, Boyd Summers — chairman of the Richland County Democratic Party. Boyd, you need to work a little harder…”

Thanks again for your help, folks! Your material was good. Maybe it was the delivery.

Onion: “God Urges Rick Perry Not To Run”

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Speaking of Rick Perry, which we were doing in passing back here…

I don’t go in for blasphemy, which means I don’t like it when politicians (usually conservatives) claim to be tighter with God than other people, or when critics (usually liberals) make fun of them for it. I especially, speaking from my own brand of conservatism, don’t like it when people presume to put words in God’s mouth.

But I must confess to you, my brothers and sisters, that I did find the point brought up by The Onion here at least worth discussing:

July 21, 2011 | ISSUE 47•29

AUSTIN, TX—Describing Texas Gov. Rick Perry as grossly unqualified for the position, God, the Creator and Ruler of the Universe, urged Perry not to run for president of the United States Wednesday. “I prayed last night and asked the Lord to support my candidacy, and He said no,” Perry told reporters outside the Texas Capitol, explaining that God had cited the governor’s rejection of federal stimulus funds to expand state jobless benefits, his irresponsible speculation about Texas seceding from the union, and his overall lack of concrete solutions to nation’s problems as reasons why He could not endorse a Perry presidential bid. “I believe God made some valid points about my lack of credentials, and He’s absolutely right. My extreme beliefs when it comes to social issues and states’ rights are not only disturbingly narrow-minded, but would also make me a horrible president.” When reached for comment, God said He would not be present at Perry’s much-talked-about Christian day of prayer on Aug. 6, calling the governor’s use of his public office to endorse a religion both “irresponsible” and a violation of the Constitution.

OK, it’s not as funny or creative as some Onion stuff. I’ll confess that, too. I think they sort of called this one in. They thought, “Somebody needs to make this point, and it might as well be us.” What keeps it from being brilliant is that the writer couldn’t resist making serious points, and even doing it in a sort of preachy manner.

But hey, I thought that referring you to it would be one way of bringing up the topic of Perry suggesting that he is on a mission from God. So we could discuss it.

Personally, I don’t think God wants to get involved in the Perry candidacy one way or the other. I am, of course, not positive about that. I could ask Him, in order to make sure, but I really don’t like to bother Him with stuff like that.

Separated at birth? John Bercow & Terry Jones

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Watching PM David Cameron being grilled in the House of Commons yesterday over the hacking scandal, I was struck by the fact that Speaker John Bercow kept reminding me of somebody…

He would interrupt the grumbling and harrumphing with calls to order that were occasionally starchy (such as when he said this is the “Mother of Parliaments,” and therefore should show the world how it’s done with decorum), but occasionally with jolly good humor.

And then it struck me — Terry Jones of Monty Python.

OK, they don’t look exactly alike, but if you see them in action, they have a similar manner about them. Maybe they were just fraternal twins…

OK, folks, I need some Health & Happiness stuff

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This is going to be tough with Doug Ross on vacation — in a remote cabin out West, I hear — but I need some topical comic material ASAP.

I have to do Health & Happiness again on Monday at the Columbia Rotary Club. That consists of talking about news about club members — who’s in the hospital, who has a new baby, who was in the newspaper, etc. — and comedy. It has to be lowest-common-denominator, generic, clean, inoffensive comedy, too. Which is tough.

I generally try to go with something topical, because that’s what folks expect from me. Sometimes I’m inspired. Sometimes I’m not. So the floor is open to suggestions.

Y’all did well last time. Come through again.

I’m so jealous of Illinois

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When they have a problem governor up there, the matter gets dealt with — eventually.

The above image was supplied by Kathryn Fenner, who got it from someone else on Facebook.

Keynes & Hayek throw down, bust some rhymes

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Just got around to viewing this hilarious video, which my son sent me several days ago.

Nothing like economist humor.

By the way, I suspect that the makers of this video are Hayek fans. Nothing against Keynes (I suspect their theories both have their places, depending upon circumstances), but at least in the hip-hop format, Hayek seems to make more sense..

There. So much for y’all who think I’m such a big-spender type…

Republicans getting way harsh and heartless now, according to The Onion

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Trust the Onion to get the scoop on just how heartless the GOP can be with their mania for budget-cutting:

WASHINGTON—Leaders from both parties announced Tuesday that Congress has voted to cut funding for its 26-year-old stepson, Jeremy, whose education and living expenses have been federally subsidized since he and his mother moved in with the legislative branch in 1998.

“My colleagues and I realize this decision may not make us very popular,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said of the measure that, effective June 1, will halt the $975 in monthly aid for Jeremy’s apartment in the Adams Morgan neighborhood of Washington. “We have listened to Jeremy’s concerns at length and truly sympathize with him, but with our national debt now exceeding $14 trillion, the American people simply cannot foot the bill for him any longer.”

“There’s no denying it; these cuts are going to be painful,” McConnell continued. “But he’s nearly 30 years old, for Christ’s sake. Enough is enough.”…

Gamecock scores major Darla Moore scoop

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Or perhaps, rather than Gamecock, I should say, The Daily Sudoku & Crossword.

The students at “Ray Tanner University” had a bit of fun with this one, and really did a pretty good job — with the headlines, anyway (I just picked this up a few minutes ago, and haven’t had time to critique the text). The biggest laugh, of course, is “Darla buys Governor’s mansion,” but for those of more sophisticated tastes, the “1.0 GPA? 750 SAT? You’re in!” speaks to the main issue involved in Nikki Haley’s quest to replace anyone trying to elevate standards at the university.

And yes, it’s like this throughout this special April 1 edition.

Enjoy.

Tools, explained

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Our Japan correspondent, Hunter Brumfield, passes this on. I don’t know where he got it, but I don’t think the original source was Japanese:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit!’

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a BITCH!’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.
There is no need to send me a thank you note.
No trees were harmed in the creation or transmission of this message.
However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Amusing commentary on the 2nd Amendment

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How often do you see a headline like that? Usually, there’s a lot of anger when we talk about guns — which is kind of worrisome, if guns happen to be present during the discussion.

We were talking guns back on this post (fortunately, we were all out of range of each other) and it reminded me…

Well, I actually saw something very funny on Saturday Night Live the other night — something I haven’t been able to say since Tina Fey first did Sarah Palin. It was during the weekend update. Seth Myers imagine how the Framers would react if they could see what guns can do right now. He acted out how dangerous guns were then by comparison: “Hold on, you can’t say that about my wife! Hold on… I… am… gonna… show… you…” as he goes through the motions of picking up a flintlock musket, pouring in the powder, ramming it, priming it, and then looks up and says, “AWWW, he drove off!” In case the above embed doesn’t work for you, You can watch it here.

See? Kinda funny. And it makes an interesting point, as well. Several, actually.

I think maybe SNL has some new writers. Or maybe some old ones, back.