Category Archives: Total trivia

Huckabee gets shave and haircut, Capone-style

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Shave3

We’ve all heard about John Edwards’ tycoon-priced haircuts. But no one would ever think Mike Huckabee would make such a big deal about getting his ears lowered. With his regular-guy persona,Shave
you sort of picture him sitting, unnoticed, reading dog-eared copies of "Field and Stream" while he humbly waits his turn to sit in Floyd’s chair.

Who’da thunk we’d ever see Huck holding court like a king as he is shorn and shaved, like Robert DeNiro in Brian DePalma’s "The Untouchables?" (These photos were taken at the Executive Forum Barbershop — how’s that for a Ritzy-sounding name — in Des Moines, Iowa, on Dec. 31.)

Shave2
You remember that scene, early in the film (sorry, I’ve tried to find a clip on the Web without success, and I don’t know how to get it off my DVD, but I did find this photo). It was meant to show Capone as the master of Chicago — the barber coming to him in his hotel room, and the Boss holding court with a fawning press that chuckles at his thuggish witticisms. It was a scene meant to show Capone as being everything Mike Huckabee is not supposed to be.

So I thought these pictures moved by The Associated Press a bit incongruous. Maybe they should just go back to moving snaps of the (New) Man from Hope grinning with his Fender bass.

But given his success in Iowa, paired with the press’ guilt over having neglected the man heretofore, I guess we’ll have to get used this this sort of wall-to-wall coverage of every instant of the candidate’s daily life. I just hope I’m looking somewhere else when they move the pictures of him holding court in the bathtub.
Shine

Staying in touch with his bass

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Huckabee_2008_wartfender

We know Mike Huckabee is a versatile kind of guy — governor, preacher, ex-broadcaster, man from Hope, self-described conservative, populist — but does he play not one, but two separate musical instruments?

Until recently, I sort of ignored scribes
who wrote that he "plays guitar," assuming they don’t know a guitar from their elbows. Clearly, he plays bass — that’s what you see in all the pictures, as the one above, in which he is playing a Fender.

Les_paul_2But one picture moved on AP recently over this caption:

** FILE ** Republican presidential hopeful, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee rests after playing his guitar while campaigning in Boscawen, N.H.,in this Dec. 14, 2007, file photo. As part of a series of questions the Associated Press asked presidential candidates about their personal tastes, traits and background, candidates were asked to name their favorite gadgets. Huckabee answered: "Probably my laptop. Or my bass guitar and amplifier." (AP Photo/Cheryl Senter, file)

In the photo, at right, he is shown standing next to (but not, mind you, playing) a Les Paul.

So does he actually play both? Does anyone out there know? I need to get this key fact straight in my mind before we consider endorsements next week.

By way of full disclosure: I am a Gibson man myself — although my particular instrument is a reproduction vintage Flying V.

Flying_v_002

Separated at birth?

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Huckabee_014

Mike Huckabee, with that friendly Everyman face of his, seems to remind everybody of somebody. In a column coming up Sunday, George Will compares him to Richard Nixon — which I can sort of see, although I’ll warn you that Mr. Will doesn’t mean it in a nice way (but you sort of knew that, right?).

I’ll tell you who he reminds me of — so much so that, when I was flipping channels the other day on the off chance that there’d be something worth watching before popping in the DVD (there wasn’t), I saw this guy and stopped, thinking for a second that it was Gov. Huckabee.

But then I realized it wasn’t. It was another guy, pretending that he already was the president. I did a little research to get specifics.

It was Gregory Itzin, who portrays "President Charles Logan" on "24." Check out his picture, and imagine Mr. Huckabee frowning, rather than wearing his seemingly perpetual smile. See the resemblance? Maybe it’s just me, but I thought it was a little spooky.

By the way, here’s a fun fact to know and tell: At this moment, there are about 210 pictures of Huck on Grin1
the Associated Press wire. And in almost every single one of them, he’s captured with a friendly grin. I just thought I’d tell you that, in case you doubted that Gov. Huckabee is this year’s Jimmy Carter. Remember in 1976, when, if you went by what was printed, you’d think the man was always grinning?

And no, it’s not a conspiracy. The thing is, that’s just the way everybody thinks of this guy who has just fully burst onto the national consciousness. So far, his imageGrin2_2
is one-dimensional. Photographers think, "This is the guy who grins," so they go through their exposures looking for the grinning shots, so they will look like him, and that’s what their editors put on the wire, and that’s what newspaper editors use, because those are the ones that "look like" Huckabee.

Grin3
It’s something you don’t even notice unless you do what I just did, which is deliberately look for a frowning shot. Here’s one of the few exceptions without the winning smile (below), and it still doesn’t quite meet my needs for the comparison to Mr. Itzin. But watch — if the Huckabee candidacy lasts a few weeks longer, we’ll start to see the image take on a fuller set of moods.

Huckabee_2008_iowa_wart

A crankier Army

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You may have seen this e-mail make the rounds already; I’m pretty sure I have. Samuel passed it to me (and many others, I’m sure) this morning:

DRAFTING GUYS OVER 60
New Direction for the war on terrorists. Send Prior Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down Terrorists. (You can’t be older than 42 to join the military.)

They’ve got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
For starters:

  • Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
  • Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
  • An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
  • If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
  • Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
  • They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me … er .. one."
  • Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
  • An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
  • These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
  • Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.

Share this with your senior friends.
It’s purposely in big type so you can read it.

All Samuel had to say about it was "I am ready!" Me too, as I’ve said before.

Do YOU color (or colour) outside the lines?

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    “I know that folks were rifling through my kindergarten papers. I’m
going to be disclosing them tomorrow. It will show that I experimented
with colouring outside the lines. I was pulling on pigtails.”
             — Barack Obama

The Economist brought my attention to the above quote, which it initially got from an ABC News blog. The point was to mock the way Clintonistas have been attacking him, but it raises another key issue:

Did he color (or, to do it the Economist way, "colour") outside the lines? And if so, what does that say about him?

I’m strictly orthodox on this. I was taught to stay in the lines, and I did so. This is one of the few areas of fundamental disagreements I have with my wife, who was told to let her creativity free. Personally, I found this scandalous, and have done my best just to overlook it for the sake of matrimonial harmony over the past three-plus decades. There’s just no point in my going on about the fact that she was taught wrong.

I find myself wondering whether this is any kind of indicator of our political attitudes. Do Ron Paul supporters and other libertarians tend to be outside-the-lines people? Whom are we stricter types more likely to favor, as a rule?

And does it matter? (Of course it matters! Only those outside-the-lines anarchists would think otherwise!)

Dumb crook news

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No this blog isn’t turning into the John Boy and Billy show, but there’s a particular kind of Schadenfreude that law-abiding folks seem to share at news of a deserved comeuppance, and I just couldn’t resist passing this one on.

It seems that the ubiquity of camera phones has lots of crooks incriminating themselves. This story in the WSJ today led with this tale:

    Last year, Morgan Kipper was booked on charges of
stealing cars and reselling their parts. He declared his innocence, but
his cellphone suggested otherwise: Its screensaver pictured Mr. Kipper
behind the wheel of a stolen yellow Ferrari.
    Mr. Kipper, 27, joined a growing group of camera-phone
owners who can’t seem to resist capturing themselves breaking the law.
"As a criminal defense attorney, it’s very difficult when a client
proclaims his innocence but incriminates himself by taking photos of
the stolen items," says William Korman, the Boston attorney who
represented Mr. Kipper. The snap-happy chop-shop owner, who pleaded
guilty in April, is now serving a sentence of two-and-a-half to five
years and couldn’t be reached for comment.

OK, back to serious stuff now…

Good Joes, and others

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Looking back at my headline on this post, I realize that for my readers to pick up on what the item is about, I should be a little more specific. After all, I sort of have an affinity for politicians named Joe.

There’s Joe Riley, of course. I’ve admired and respected him for a lot of years. Here’s a link to an item I assigned Clark Surratt to write about him back in 1991, as part of the year-long "Power Failure" series. I saw him as just the sort of guy I would hope to see elected governor, if we ever got around to giving the S.C. governor enough power to make the job worth having. I continue to be a major fan.

Then there’s Joe Lieberman, whom I had always liked, but who assumed Mythic Hero status for me last year when he stood up to all that is foul and intellectually offensive in our nation’s political party system, and prevailed.

Over time, I’ve also had a lot of good things to say about Joe Biden — the most qualified (if not most electable) candidate in the Democratic presidential field, and the only one with an actually credible plan as to what ought to happen next in Iraq.

All of which would seem to make the cliche phrase "good Joe" sort of redundant. But then I think harder, and realize not all Joes are perfect. But I don’t think anyone has done a scientific study in an effort to quantify Joe-ness — until now.

So it is that I present, completely off the top of my head, a brief hierarchy of political Joes, from best to worst:

  1. Joe Riley (gets extra points for being a South Carolinian)
  2. Joe Lieberman (whom South Carolina scorned, and who deserved better)
  3. Joe Biden (a really smart guy — just ask him; he’ll tell you. And tell you some more.)
  4. Joe Wilson (I don’t always agree with him, but I give him a boost for being quite possibly the most breathlessly enthusiastic guy in the U.S. House of Representatives. And besides, it didn’t seem fair that Democrats were running away with it, but that might be because Irish Catholics have a leg up on Joe-ness, Lieberman excepted)
  5. Joe Darby (the S.C. preacher is a reliable op-ed contributor, but our differences over the NAACP boycott bring him down to the middle of the pack)
  6. Joe Erwin (nice guy, thoughtful party leader, but he does business with some unsavory types)
  7. Joe Sixpack (the ultimate regular Joe, but a lot of really stupid stuff happens in efforts to pander to him; same problem with his cousins Joe Average and Joe Doakes)
  8. Joseph II, Holy Roman Emperor (spiffy wigs, but did he really tell Mozart, "too many notes — leaves some of them out?")
  9. Joe Kennedy (another Irish-Catholic Joe, but he didn’t stick up for the good guys early in the war, and had too much in common with the bad guys)
  10. Joe McCarthy ("Tail-gunner Joe" might have been Irish, but ultimately, "Have you no sense of decency, sir?")
  11. Joe Goebbels (history’s most foul spinmeister)
  12. Joe Stalin (Uncle Joe beats out Goebbels for worst because he didn’t just help kill millions, he was the guy in charge)

Truth be told, this wasn’t as scientific as it probably looks to the untrained eye. I just kept going until I had an even dozen, and then put them in order. If I left out any obvious Joes, let me know.

‘Around the nation?’

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This morning, I heard somebody say something on the radio that’s been bugging me lately. If words are not your stock in trade, you probably haven’t noticed it. And I really don’t attach any importance to it beyond my passing curiosity regarding the way language develops.

Someone on the radio said that something was happening "around the nation." Sometimes you see or hear it as "around the country." I’ve seen it a lot in copy that I’ve edited over the last year or so. I always change it automatically to "across the country" or nation.

I do this for two reasons. First, "across" is the established idiomatic phrase (isn’t it? or did I dream that?). That’s the way one expresses that alternative to "nationally." Second, I just have trouble visualizing the newly trendy alternative. What does "around" the country mean? Does it refer to Canada, Mexico and the two oceans? Or is it a reference to the border and coastal states, leaving out the landlocked heartland? That’s what it sounds like, although I realize that’s not how it’s meant.

But "across the country" implies a quick, inclusive, coast-to-coast descriptive stroke that expresses what you’re trying to say without the mind having to stop and think about it.

Not that anyone thinks about it but me. And when I think about it, it’s for no more than a second, when I’m changing it and thinking "I wonder why he/she wrote it that way?" I guess today I just reached the point at which those seconds added up to a critical mass, and I decided to say something about it — which I just did.

Was it all Democrats? You betcha

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A reader noted that he saw no Republicans in the photos or videos from the Stephen Colbert brunch, and he’s absolutely right.

The invitations to the event were sent out by Dwight Drake, and seemed to include a lot of his friends. Beyond that, it was staged as though "Candidate" Colbert were making a pitch to S.C. Democrats to let him onto the ballot for the state’s presidential primary.

Dwight had hinted ahead of time that one Republican would be there for a special presentation, but it didn’t work out because the GOP token had a family emergency.

See the above video as a partial guide to who was there. At bottom, you’ll see a clip that shows Colbert making his "pitch" to the party honchos.

Open up your mouth and feed it

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This morning, I heard Michael Jackson‘s "Beat It" on the radio for the first time in a long, long time. (Steve FM says they play anything they want, and they apparently mean it.)

Anyway, here’s what struck me about it: It wasn’t nearly as interesting, or as enjoyable as a listening experience, as Weird Al Yankovic’s "Eat It." Yeah, the music and arrangement might be Michael Jackson’s, but his original lyrics are eminently forgettable. Only with Weird Al do you get the whole package. I mean, who’s going to remember…

You better run, you better do what you can

Don’t wanna see no blood, don’t be a macho man…

… when you’ve heard…

How come you’re always such a fussy young man?
Don’t want no Captain Crunch, don’t want no Raisin Bran…

Well, maybe you would, but I wouldn’t.

Buzzword. Buzzword, buzzword, buzzword!

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Long, long ago — the ’70s at least, probably during his ’76 run at the presidency — I read a magazine article about Jerry Brown (the slacker blogger — last post, Oct. 2005). It was one of the first things I ever read about him, as I recall. More to the point, it was the first time I ever ran across the term, "buzzword." (It’s even been suggested that he coined the term, that it’s "an old Jerry Brown term for words/phrases that go buzz in your head"".

It was used in the context of showing what a hip, intellectual, cool, detached kind of guy Brown was. It opened, in New Journalism style, with an anecdote that had him seated in front of a TV watching his own TV ad. He was riveted to the tube, and offering a running commentary that consisted of making a slashing or chopping motion with his hand and calling out "Buzzword!" with satisfaction each time the ad used a term to which that definition applied: "Buzzword…. buzzword, buzzword, buzzword!" Chop, slash.

It was probably in either Esquire or Rolling Stone, to list the publications I read at the time that would have been likely to run a piece like that. If anyone can refer me to it, I’d be interested to go back and read it again.

So what got me to thinking about that? Nothing much. I got a press release from the Romney campaign that consisted of nothing more than this statement (I think it was related to the debate yesterday):

A STATEMENT FROM SENATOR JIM DEMINT (R-SC)
"The fact is our federal government has gotten too big, taxes are too high and federal spending is way out of control.  This is why Governor Romney believes Republicans must first make changes in our own house, because as he said, ‘Change must begin with us.’  Today, Mitt Romney once again showed that he is the real candidate of change for fiscal conservatives and that is why I am proud to support his candidacy."

— Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC)
October 9, 2007

… and I was struck, for about the billionth time, with the fact that our most ideological politicians — from DeMint to Pelosi — often seem to communicate almost entirely by way of buzzwords and cant phrases.

There were no specifics in that statement. No reference to a particular point made about a particular situation. Just broad generalities of the sort that communicate (I suppose) to like-minded ideologues but one message:

I’m one of you. I speak your language. So does this other guy.

The statement is as bland and ignorable as beige wallpaper, but it is apparently designed to go "buzz" in somebody’s head.

No attempt to cite an example of something government does that is unnecessary (even thought it would be easy, even for an anti-libertarian such as myself), or a tax that’s too high or an economic argument demonstrating why it’s too high, or anything. Just a sort of bumper-sticker sentiment, too boring in its repetitiveness even to evoke a high-five from the truest of true believers; it was worth at the VERY most a slight nod.

When I read non-statement statements such as that, I often wonder whether the person who typed it and sent it out thought, at any point in that process, "This is a useless exercise. It offers nothing to the debate, for good or ill." Or did he or she think, "Well, at least I’m getting paid for this."

Or perhaps: "Buzzword!" Slash, chop. "Buzzword, buzzword, buzzword!"

Feliz Nueve de Juan Lennon

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bill reminds us what today is. I thought of it earlier today, but hadn’t gotten around to acknowledging it yet.

Yes, boys and girls, it’s John Lennon’s birthday. I don’t know what days the other Beatles were born on, but I never forget this one, for two reasons. First, it’s just a few days after my own birthday, and I feel a vague-and-completely-irrational kinship with fellow Libras.

More relevantly, I had an excellent mnemonic device drilled into my head at an early age. From 1962-1965, when I was in the fifth and sixth grades (after having completed the 4th grade with a tutor to catch up with the difference in school years), I lived in Guayaquil, Ecuador.

Nueve de Octubre was the biggest deal on the school calendar. We got a whole week off for that, and only a day and a half for Christmas. It was sometime later that I read that that John Lennon was born on Guayaquil Independence Day, and the association stuck.

‘Historic Myrtle Beach’

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One of the pitfalls of being attention-span-deprived (and also one of the blessings, since it makes life so much more entertaining), is that the smallest thing can cause me to miss entirely the "important" parts of a message or document or presentation or whatever. I’m always too busy digging the one little thing that grabbed my attention.

Today, when I read this from the S.C. Republican Party…

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE   CONTACT: ROB GODFREY
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2007

2008 South Carolina Republican Party Presidential Candidates Debate media credential request form released
COLUMBIA, S.C. – The South Carolina Republican Party today released the 2008 South Carolina Republican Party Presidential Candidates Debate media credential request form…
    “We are extremely excited to extend a warm South Carolina welcome to journalists from across the country and the world to our historic event,” said South Carolina Republican Party Chairman Katon Dawson.  “Last May, our debate attracted hundreds of members of the media worldwide, but this next debate will attract even more.  Journalists understand the significance of having a debate just nine days before our primary election, and they know the 2008 presidential election could be decided on our stage that night.”
    In August, the South Carolina Republican Party announced that it had partnered with FOX News Channel to present a live, nationally-televised Republican Party presidential candidates debate on Thursday, January 10, 2008, in historic Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.  The debate will be held at the Myrtle Beach Convention Center….

… the only thing I got out of it was "historic Myrtle Beach."

What an odd modifier to choose. "Historic Charleston," sure. "Historic Beaufort," certainly. Maybe even "historic Columbia," although that’s a stretch.

But Myrtle Beach? Historic? There are other modifiers I could think of, both complimentary and un-, but that one wouldn’t crowd out the others on the mad rush to the tip of my tongue.

And yet, when I think about it (which I can’t help doing, such is my curse and blessing), I realize that in terms of history that is truly relevant to my life, the moniker sort of works — if you think of "history" as the changes that come with passage through time.

Charleston is what it was when I lived there as a baby. "Historic," but in a static way — sort of frozen in time, like a museum exhibit. Yes, Joe Riley has done a lot to make it better, but a lot of what he’s done has been to revitalize what was once there — essentially, to make the museum livable, vibrant and dynamic.

But Myrtle Beach has been like America — a rowdy, hand-over-fist, unruly thing growing and changing like a weed and just as ugly, but always with an eye to what the people want right NOW. (And yes, the America I love is many other things as well, but this is a facet of America.)

I remember when there was the Pavilion amusement park and arcade, Chapin’s department store, and ONE hamburger joint, as far as what I took notice of…

It was the place kids growing up in South Carolina wanted to go, a la "Shag: The Movie." A generation before the time when that movie was set, the place we think of essentially didn’t exist. Then, it was the center of this youth culture, the one place in South Carolina that reflected the Southern California car culture of "American Graffiti." It was also a low-rent but picturesque resort of homey, idiosyncratic hotels and shacks and bungalows — a far more warm, inviting place than what it became after Hugo, with nine identical "houses" on stilts jammed together on a lot that previously would have held one battered low-slung getaway.

In the early 80s, the growth started to metastasize, the scrubby foliage that once surrounded beach homes giving way to condos by the thousand. And the equally scrubby stuff that gave the place its charm started disappearing. For me, the greatest blow came when the little family-oriented amusement park down in Surfside gave way to a high-rise Days Inn, but for most of us the ultimate crash didn’t hit until after the turn of the century, with the demolition of the Pavilion at the heart of the city itself.

It’s history that has certain visual styles to accompany each phase of my life, old pictures you can dig through like archaeologists  digging through strata of an abandoned aboriginal village.

So yeah, I guess "historic" works.

 

Finally, a fantasy for you and me

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Fantasy_2

Remind me not to wander through the newsroom; it’s full of professional bad influences.

That said, I visited that den of iniquity just a moment ago, but for the purest of motives — to return a pen I had borrowed in a moment of need from one of my colleagues in the working press (I cannot tell a lie, Honest Abe; I am not making this up). While there, however, I learned about a game that, were I to engage in it, would probably consume the rest of my life, such as it is. It looked more insidious than video poker.
Hdr_logo
It’s the Minnesota Fantasy Legislature, created by Minnesota Public Broadcasting. Finally, a fantasy league
for us geeks who don’t know what a wishbone offense is, and can’t explain the infield fly rule. Now, we can waste our time just as pointlessly as the jockheads. It’s got rules and everything.

But I must admit, the concept is hilarious. And I feel myself getting pulled into this thing (a la Michael Corleone in Godfather III — Just when I thought I was out…). At the moment, I’ve got some real work to do, despite the newsman’s code, and don’t have time to draft my team — especially when you consider how limitless the possibilities are when this is applied to the South Carolina Legislature. So I’m generously offering you the chance to get a head start planning your team. Be sure to come up with a great name for it — my personal favorite in the Minnesota league is the "Sine Die Sadists," although there’s something to be said for the "State Muffins."

To get you started here (above) is a random sample of lawmakers to consider… Well, not exactly random — I found them lined up at the John McCain event over in Lexington today. Don’t they look like they’re waiting to be picked for something?

My team, I think (and this is just off the top of my head), will be the "Fat and Uglies."

‘Bout TIME we got US some free trade, ‘stead o’ wastin’ it on them furriners…

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The Grocery Manufacturers/Food Products Association sent out a press release today announcing that "GMA Urges Congress to Pass Columbia, Panama and Peru Free Trade Agreements."

The release went on in that vein, repeatedly using the spelling, "Columbia:"

(Washington, D.C.)  At a trade rally hosted by long-time supporter of free trade, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa), the Grocery Manufacturers Association (GMA) today strongly urged Congress to pass Free Trade Agreements (FTAs) with Peru, Columbia and Panama, and to renew Presidential Trade Promotion Authority (TPA), noting that lowering barriers is the cornerstone of U.S. export policies.
    “We applaud Senator Grassley for his unwavering leadership on these important issues,” said GMA Vice President of International Affairs Emily Beizer.  “GMA and our member companies strongly believe Congressional passage of FTAs with Peru, Columbia and Panama is vital to foster our country’s important trade relations with these key segments of the Latin American market.  Likewise, swift renewal of Presidential Trade Promotion Authority is critical to ensuring that American business, agriculture and workers are able to continue to compete in the rapidly changing global economy by allowing the further development of new and improved trade partnerships, and ensuring that other countries do not have a competitive advantage over U.S. products.

You know, that’s hard to argue with. I hope the economic benefits of such a close association with los Estados Unidos will drag our poor land right out of the 19th century. Si se puede!

Don’t Blame Me; I Voted UnParty

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Is there anything more offensive about political parties than their insistence upon boiling complex truths down to a bumper sticker? You say parties don’t do that? The hell they don’t. That’s what they’re all about — simplifying things so that voters don’t have to think. Just pull the lever, and go back to stuffing your face in front of the tube…

At the moment, one of the parties is running a bumper-sticker contest. Sorry, but it’s a bit late to have your own submissions considered. They’re down to four finalists, which you can see here.

Sure, this time it’s the Democrats, but Republicans — who as I recall stuck "Don’t Blame Me; I Voted for Bush" on their bumpers before Bill Clinton even took the oath of office in 1993 — have no room to talk here.

How to play “Airport Blues”

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First of all, don’t play it like in the video above. Just go get your guitar and play it right, as follows:

E

Well, I went down to the station;

E                           E7
I was feelin’ kinda sore…

           A7                                       
Yeah, I went down to the station, mama;

                              E     E7
I was feelin’ mighty sore…

       B7
My woman, she done tol’ me,

A7                                 E
She ain’t gonna fly no more…

Isn’t being Irish Catholic considered an extenuating circumstance?

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Torn from the pages of a Caddyshack script, we have this item of sad celebrity news:

By KARL RITTER    
Associated Press Writer

STOCKHOLM,
Sweden (AP) – Bill Murray could face a drunken driving charge after
cruising through downtown Stockholm in a golf cart and refusing to take
a breath test, citing U.S. law.Murraybill
    Police officers spotted the
"Caddyshack" star early Monday in the slow-moving vehicle and noticed
he smelled of alcohol when they pulled him over, said
Detective-Inspector Christer Holmlund of the Stockholm police.
    "He
refused to blow in the (breath test) instrument, citing American
legislation," Holmlund told The Associated Press on Wednesday. "So we
applied the old method — a blood test. It will take 14 days before the
results are in."
    Murray, who had been at a golf tournament in
Sweden, signed a document admitting that he was driving under the
influence, and agreed to let a police officer plead guilty for him if
the case goes to court, Holmlund said.
    "Then he was let go. My guess is he went back to America," Holmlund said…

Here’s another way to test how much he’d had — if he did his character from "Caddyshack" when stopped, they should throw the book at him. I’m a huge Bill Murray fan, but that was his one bit that I never could abide.

There ya go again with the puppy eyes….

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Pup5

Those who know Energy Party Adviser Samuel Tenenbaum realize that the 55-mph speed limit is not the only thing he obsesses about, not by a long shot. For instance, there’s puppies who lack a good home (which is why he and Inez have opened their home to quite a menagerie).

At tremendous personal risk, I daredPup1
today to forward his latest message to my wife, with the subject line "Look at the puppy!" and carefully worded intro,"Samuel passed on this message, with pictures. Not that I would dare suggest anything; I just thought they were cute…"

Basically, I’ve been warned by my better half that if I so much as suggest that we take on another dog, I’ll be looking for a good home for myself.

Anyway, here’s the original message, as forwarded from Samuel. If anyone does have a good home for this mutt, I’ll be glad to pass you back to him, who will pass you back to this lady, who will pass you to the Battistes, I guess. (Animal lovers seem to have more layers of communication than the Mafia.):

My friends Luther and Judy Battiste found this puppy wandering near USC –Pup4
they have tried to find an owner with no success and are looking for a good
home.  They said this is the sweetest puppy, about 7 weeks old and very well
trained already – seems to be housebroken!  They already have 4 dogs and cannot
keep this one, despite getting attached to it – please help find a good home –
you can contact me if you or someone you know is interested.   Please send out
to all your friends.

Julie
Ruff
Special Assistant to the Mayor

Pup4_2

That’s it! We’re going straight to SIX blades…

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So if I’m running one of the major political parties in this state (which is what might happen to me if I’m very, very bad in this life), as I read this, I’m thinking, That’s it! We’re having our primary today!

By KATHY BARKS HOFFMAN
Associated Press
Saturday, August 18, 2007
LANSING, Mich. – Michigan Democrats and Republicans are moving closer to holding a closed presidential primary, the first joint primary in 16 years, on Jan. 15, people familiar with the negotiations said Friday.
     If Michigan goes ahead as planned, its primary would leapfrog over the recently moved South Carolina Republican primary, as well as many others.
    On Friday, top-level Democrats in Michigan discussed whether to have a primary or a caucus, with opinion leaning toward holding the mid-January primary, according to those in on the negotiations who asked not to be identified because the matter is not yet resolved.
    They say a primary would make the state more relevant in choosing the presidential nominee, although backers of presidential candidate John Edwards prefer a caucus.
    A Jan. 15 primary would put Michigan ahead of the South Carolina Republican primary, which last week moved up to Jan. 19, and the Nevada Republican and Democratic caucuses, also scheduled for that date. It also could give New Hampshire more impetus to move up its primary to keep its first-in-the-nation status, and may encourage Iowa to hold its caucuses in 2007….

This reminds me of one of my all-time favorite stories in The Onion, which basically involved putting into writing a thought I had had every time I’d seen an ad for razors in the past 30 years (please pardon the deleted expletives):

F___ Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades
By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
February 18, 2004 | Issue 40•07
James M. Kilts
Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the f___ing vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That’s three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I’m telling you what happened — the bastards went to four blades. Now we’re standing around with our c___s in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we’re the chumps. Well, f___ it. We’re going to five blades….

That’s private enterprise for you (or at least, a reasonable satirical facsimile of private enterprise)! If we had somebody like that guy running the parties in S.C., we wouldn’t be getting pushed around like a bunch of chumps by those other states.